Hopefully your collective wisdom can help us all with some questions which Ill bet are quite common in this community. I'm on the fence between poly and mono and currently in a mono relationship of about 1.5yrs with basically the girl of my dreams. I love her deeply and don't think I could ever find someone that could compare.
Despite this, I have feelings within me which have made me inclined to investigate the poly lifestyle. Theres just something about it that seems to click with who I am; I'm not a jealous person at all, I am perfectly self-sufficient, and have never been lonely.
I've actually discussed these feelings with her, but it sounds like she is just not the type of person for poly. What makes matters more difficult is she doesn't really understand why anyone would be, or if they are, it's some kind of flaw. However she tries very hard to be understanding and open.
Now, Im still not sure whether its right for me either, but I want to at least try it because theres this thing inside me compelling me to. The problem is, she has made it quite clear on several occasions that if I do want to try the poly lifestyle, I will lose her. Here are our major concerns about the lifestyle...
1. Is it shallow?
-For example I desire to have her as my primary, but then a more casual friend+benefits on the side, maybe several. But are these relationships shallow? If we do separate, and I have several casual relationships but nothing too serious, am I being superficial?
2. Am I being unappreciative?
-She means so much to me, and is so special to me, yet I feel compelled to seek out other people to have relationships with. Does this mean I'm just not appreciating her enough? If I make more of an effort to appreciate her will I not need other relationships?
3. Will I hurt other women?
-Even if Im totally upfront about my lifestyle and intentions in all relationships, isnt it natural for women to become attached and form a loving bond. I know theres exceptions, those who can comfortably keep an emotional distance, but I think this isnt the majority. Also Im not sure most women would have the cognizance to know in advance that they couldnt keep it casual because most have never tried. So Im worried I will hurt many women in the process of finding those exceptions that are ok with long term, casual, sexual relationships.
4. And the BIG question for me: Is it worth losing a true love, and best friend to find out if poly is for me?
-I know you'll say you dont know my situation enough to make a good judgement, but if you have any thoughts or suggestions for the situation I would love to hear them.
Thanks so much for your support! It seems hard to find amongst the general public. I look forward to learning from and sharing with your loving community!