I have been poly for 12 years consciously and still struggle with this. To me, sex is an extremely personal, spiritual connection of body and soul. I need a long time before I feel safe and can breath when my husband Nerdist finds a lover.
I don't always have a choice and just deal with it by shutting down and removing myself from him. I have done this with other lovers too. It's a protection for me that is unpleasant for the person experiencing it.
I know that it seems unfair as he and other lovers seem to be far more easily capable of coping, but I have abandonment issues too and they respect that about me... I have grown and learned immensely through poly in this way, and can recognize what comes up for me rather than it slapping me up side the head. I can breath through it and try different ways of coping now as a result. Instead of shutting down I force myself to remain light hearted and calm, just to see what the difference is.
Having a partners that I am honest with and being in touch with myself has really helped. I tell Nerdist exactly what I need from him and have told others too. A lot of times this gets neglected in relationships and partners are left guessing or being unaware of what the issues are... I tell Nerdist I need to be told that I am loved, I need him to be near me and not talk for a bit, I need him to let me blow up a little and not take me seriously I just need to get it out... and so on.
It will be hard, but there is so much learning to gain and a deeper connection to your love to be had.
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