I just want to cry
Does anyone else experience this? I think I just need to know that I am not alone in this. Even just the thought of my girlfriend being with someone else sexually makes me want to cry right now. I know I have abandonement issues and our non-monogamous relationship sets the stage for that to get triggered. Just the thought of her having sex with someone else makes me feel like I'm losing something or something is being taken from me. It feels horrible and I just want to cry.
I am trying non-monogamy for the first time and have yet to experience her actually having sex with someone else. I have had the experience of becoming extremely emotionally reactive when the possibility arose at one particular time.
I am wondering, will I just need to practice lots of self care when it happens? Will I just need to go home and cry and cry and cry, everytime she is with someone? Will it get better? If I have to do this all the time, does that mean that it is not getting better ... and does that mean that perhaps I am not the best person to allow myself to be in a non-monogamous relationship. Would that be emotionally abusive to keep myself in that kind of a pattern?
Or, do other people experience this? Do you find yourselves after lots of time and experience, still getting very emotional and needing to practice lots of self-care? Does it get easier? Once you get through the emotions, after your partner has finished their sexual encounter, do you feel like you've made it to the otherside of the experience with a new perspective, or more strength, or more wisdom, or ability to regulate your feelings?