Thread: very confused
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Old 06-04-2010, 05:01 PM
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racer812 racer812 is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: arizona
Posts: 114

well loaded up the 5th wheel and goin to do some soul searching. ihave reread my posts and all of your guys input. last nite we discussed all of my feelings again. k says she wants a friends with benifits type of arrangement. i personally dont thing she has discussed any feelings with h. this whole thing hits me as having your cake and eating it too. k keeps rerassuring me that im the one she wants, she wants our life. the whole relationship between them is based off of a highschool sweetheart type of thing. lucky for me its a long distance relationship. from the snooping that i have done, which i feel ashamed about, h only contacts k rarely. maybe i have over thought all of this. i know that h was k first love and i have been told by others that you never forget yourfirst love. honestly k is my first love. i have never had feelings for someone like this in my life. 20 years is along time to be with someone. we have experimented in the past with other couples and have had "adventures" with a few select singles. what is happening now feels nothing like those times. maybe all of this is caused from my insecurity of losing my life partner. i dont know. i have felt compersion that i have read so much about. when we were having our "adventures" with others. it was a very exciting time, full of love and happiness. maybe this is all from me being very male and seeing h as a threat. we are after all animals with basic insticts. from what i have been told, h doesnt want to hurt our life. but this has caused a large riff between k and myself. we also discussed the ultimatum, which i was told that it wasnt an ultimatum. k told me that she feels totally drained because of my feelings and that i keep unloading on her. i told her that i wasnt unloading, that i wanted to get my feelings out in the open so that they dont consume me. so now here i am today, dropping kids off at summer camp and goin camping for a couple of days. just me and my dog. i hope this helps me. what was that caption i read, i have gone to find myself, if i return before i get back keep me here. that to me is a very true thing. well thankyou all for reading my ramblings and giving me input. wish me luck.
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