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Old 06-03-2010, 10:27 PM
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EL314 EL314 is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 6
Question I'm still stuck on Square One after 18 months... any ideas welcome!

I'm glad to have found this forum! It's taken me a few days to read through the threads and has been very educational; I really appreciate so many people sharing their experiences in this lifestyle. My problem might not be exactly a poly problem, but is a dating problem in a poly setting...

I'm male, 46; I've been married to a great women for about 10 years (she's 41). We are both straight. We have no children and have taken steps to keep it that way (vasectomy). A year and a half back, we decided to open the marriage. We did our research as much as possible; reading "The Ethical Slut" and "Polyamory: Roadmaps...", as well as online resources on the subject. Luckily there have been no issues with jealousy and no negative drama; I count us VERY FORTUNATE there! We are pretty relaxed and "open" to the experience and lifestyle. We are level-headed and communicate very well (we always have); so far we have avoided the more common downsides of poly life.

My wife has two secondary relationships; she sees each of them approximately once per week (more if their schedules allow). They are both likable guys and visit socially when they can. She also has three friends-with-benefits she sees intermittently, as time permits. No one co-habits with us; she occasionally will sleep over at one of her secondary's places. These are all "V" relationships with my wife as the pivot; there are no triads or quads.

I'm really happy for my wife and gratified to see her so happy in her relationships; she really blossomed and has been able to shed negative feelings she used to have about herself and her body. All in all, she is in a great place in her life!

My problem is that I cannot find anyone interested in me. I would like to have a girlfriend/secondary (or two). Since I'm primarily looking for "V" type relationships (where I'm the pivot), I'm not limiting myself to finding partners who identify as poly, but am looking for open-minded women in the larger population as well.

We have attended local poly meetings; I have not met all the members yet, but the ones I have met are not very compatible or interested/interesting (many of them are pagan or Wicca or new-age, while I'm of a science/atheist slant)...... I don't want to pursue anything where I work; that seems like a recipe for trouble...... I have profiles on several social network and dating sites (including PoF, OKC, fetlife, DateHookup and Tagged) and have been diligently trying to make connections there as well. I send out lots of messages & contact requests, but receive very few responses. Those who do respond will typically politely decline further contact once they understand my situation.

I don't think I'm a boring person; I have many interests and hobbies and am always glad to share them with others. I think I can carry a conversation well and am friendly. I don't think I'm repulsive physically. One thing that does work against me; I make sure to include a brief mention of my open marriage/polyamory in my profiles. That probably keeps a lot of mono women from even responding.

What I've been doing doesn't seem to be working, so I've probably got to try something else; however, I'm a bit stumped as to what.

Like I said in the title, I've been trying for a year and a half with no success. Unfortunately, instead of enhancing my life with polyamory, I'm starting to feel like an incompetent fool, pursuing a lifestyle that doesn't want me. My wife feels bad that I'm struggling and is doing what she can to help. She has tried to re-assure me, and encourage me to be persistent, but I'm still mired in pessimism about a fulfilling outcome, and much less confident than I was 18 months ago. Poly is a really comfortable lifestyle for my mindset; I just can't seem to get a foot in the door. Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated!

-Bill

PS: If there are any ladies in the Tucson, AZ area who would like to talk, I would be delighted to hear from you.
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