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Old 06-03-2010, 08:00 PM
kittyb kittyb is offline
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 5

I'll check out tantra, Schrodinger. Thanks
Thanks for the input, groovy.

In any case, I've mentioned poly in a joking manner (i.e. I ask him if he'd like to get frisky, he says no, I jokingly say "I could get another boyfriend, then you wouldn't have to worry about it, *smirk*) just to kind of see where he stood even in a humorous way... He basically said "No way." So... /shrug

I don't know. I've been with him for 5 years. He's a great guy. I've had two other long-term relationships, and other than the lack of sex and his bouts of hermit-like behavior everything else is great. I do, in fact, love him very much.

If he had ED or another disorder that made him incapable, physically, of having sex, I wouldn't leave him. The fact that the anhedonia takes away his interest in sex is simply a different disorder. And the question that I ask myself, every so often, is, "Is this relationship awesome enough, does it make me happy enough, am I fulfilled, loved, and hopeful about the future, enough to stay?"

The answer, despite the detractors in our relationship, continues to be consistently yes.

No relationship is perfect, le sigh. I'll continue talking about poly in the abstract with him, talking about articles, political stances, public reactions, etc, and since in the abstract he's all for poly rights, etc, perhaps at some point he'll consider it.

He did at one point say that if two people in a relationship go six months with no sex, then he believes the partners have a right to go get it somewhere else. My problem is that I break down and beg him for sex after about a month... I'm pretty sure if I stopped asking he'd forget about it and we probably would (gulp) go six months with no sex.


At that point I could break out a calendar, explain, gently, that it's been a long time, and some of my needs are not being met. He might be more open to the idea if he realized that he really could go that long without sex, without caring, and that I do care.

He's graduating with his first bachelor's degree in 5 weeks- he's a non-trad student and in his mid-thirties. I'm so proud of him! After that we'll be moving to wherever he finds a job, and given his field, it will likely be some distance from where we live now.

I've been supporting us financially throughout his college career, although he's also had some student loans. Before I rock the boat I want him to be settled in a good job and a home, with an income, etc. I love him enough to want him to not be in financial crisis if things between us, for any reason, didn't work out.

And well, having a job with insurance might make it possible for him to get some blood tests, make sure his various chemical levels aren't out of whack. Although generally speaking, with anhedonia sufferers, their blood chemistry is generally normal (and some of the guys with it have had every test under the sun, and then some!) it'd be nice to get it checked out and see if there were any medications that might help him.

Believe me, when we've talked about it, his inability to enjoy sex/orgasm distresses him as much or more than it does me. Imagine if, after 15-odd years of perfectly normal and enjoyable sex, suddenly, your chemistry went haywire and at orgasm you felt nothing. No speeding pulse, no rush of endorphins, barely any discernable pleasure. It's a really sad thing to lose.

Anyhow, the bottom line is, I love him, care for him, and enjoy him. I've never met anyone like him, and I've met few people in general who are as intelligent, funny, talented, sweet, giving, loving, honorable, and moral. If things don't ever get any better in terms of our sex life, then that may be something I have to give up. If it becomes too much to bear then I will have to consider that when the time comes. But for the foreseeable future, he's my darlin', my sweetie, and I'm ok with things.
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