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Old 06-03-2010, 02:55 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
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In my time of being 19-20 a slut was a slut. Those words had a huge sting and I was taken advantage of for them. I had abandonment issues and would solve them by sleeping around. Of course some of that was fun and a learning experience too.
I have learned in time, as I acted this out in later life, that the feeling I wake up with, after having had sex with someone I don't care for and even more importantly doesn't care about me, is one of distain for myself because there was no connection and I feel more separated from myself.

To me sex is a spiritual thing, even in its raunchiest moments. Someone putting their energy into me is a huge deal.

I realized that the after feeling wasn't from society so much anymore, as things have changed significantly, but from my very soul rejecting my actions.
There is no reason for me to sleep around any more. I have 4 lovers who deeply care about me and have invested in me. I have invested in them. I feel very fortunate that I now have a chance to experience sex in depths that go far and beyond the casual fucks I used to have that left me outside of my body. I am in my body, in my soul and connected in every way. Its incredibly beautiful.

I think its great that you, (speaking to the woman version of the OP) that you are exploring your sexuality and enjoying yourself and learning. So you should be. Everyone should find themselves in that way. I too said similar things to boyfriends that I am my own person and can do what I like. I hurt some of them terribly with that in that I didn't explain it and blew them off as controlling (not to say you are) and manipulative. I was really loved by several men and women and I chose sexual exploration over them. I'm sad about that on one hand but also needed that at the time. I wish I had been kinder though (I chose being abrasive and aggression in my attitude) and not lead them to believe that I loved them in the sense of what "they" needed. I put my version of love on them and should of seen that and let them go. Let them go and find someone who could love them as they needed.

My guilt ended in cheating because I knew I was hurting them and couldn't talk to them anymore about my needs. I went inside myself and then cheated. I caused so much pain in the guise of sexual freedom.

Good luck to you both. There is so much to experience. I am glad to hear you are enjoying it. Glad to know you are talking and hope that for what its worth, my story has helped.
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