Originally Posted by SayYes
What's done is done, but in the future I personally would wait until checking with your guy before making contact with a girl he's interested in. I know everyone has a slightly different dynamic in that regard, but I know it would bug me if my husband contacted my boyfriend without talking to me about it first. Of course, if he did talk to me and say he wanted to do that, I would be 100% okay with it. But it would honestly make me a little uncomfortable to not be told about it beforehand.
I do see this, but I also think it is important to recognize intention and it seems clear from the OP that her intentions were good. It's a live and learn thing. I can't tell you how many times of late I've "screwed up" despite the best of intentions. This is a new situation, so I also think it's important for everyone involved to recognize that and try to understand.
I myself am learning so much about this from a potential tertiary--he has been communicating with my husband and I and really laying out the areas where communication is needed. He and his wife have had an open marriage from the beginning, so A and I are grateful for his counsel.
It sounds to me as if you are still struggling with your so's desire to pursue a relationship with this woman, and those feelings need to be recognized and given space, or they will come back. I'm speaking from experience here!
I wish you the best of luck as you navigate this new territory!