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Old 06-02-2010, 10:31 PM
jkelly jkelly is offline
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 168
Default Sluttiness, slut-shaming and polyamory

Originally Posted by DD123 View Post
She then tells me that it shocks her at how much of a "slut" she is. When she was presented the opportunity with D and his gf, she was excited and looking forward to it. She tells me that after the fact, she thinks that maybe she shouldnt have done that.
We have a lot of nonsense in our society around women's sexuality. It's easy to internalise that and start shaming yourself when you do something that you know society would judge you for.

I think that, if you can, the best thing for you to do here is to encourage her to not be ashamed of her sexuality in any way, and try to get to a place where she can feel good about her choices and connections with people (as long as they are safe, sane and consensual, of course).

Originally Posted by DD123 View Post
When is a "slut" too slutty?
If one's sex life is having a negative impact on one's life outside the bedroom (like, neglecting the kids, or falling behind at work, or something), then it may be time to try to refocus one's attention. Otherwise, I'm not sure that there's any reason to believe that there is any such thing.

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I personally don't see how this forum should be chalked up to being against casual sex.. I think some people are and that is fine, that is their thoughts and opinions. But to chalk up a whole forum to being against it, come on! That's a bit much
Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
It ain't poly if you're just fucking around.
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Don't get me wrong, I'm no fan of having weird assumptions about my sexual appetite being made just because I'm poly-. That's really annoying! I totally get why lots of poly- people get defensive about this, and want to emphasise that their relationships are loving, with a great deal of emotional depth and commitment. I do that, too!

But I don't think that we should just blow right past YGirl's observation. Our society really does engage in (sometimes horrific) slut-shaming, and, even in the very unlikely case that every influential voice in this forum is enthusiastically pro-sex, the way that poly- people defend the emotional intimacy of their relationships can start to sound like more of that shaming and dismissal. I think it would be valuable for everybody to simply be conscientious about how they phrase the distinction between polyamory and casual sex, assuming that they don't want to perpetuate that.
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