Idealist Poly Blog Part 22- Weekend with Richard and fun with Charles and Holland
I realize that emotions ebb and flow and I guess itís possible that feelings of insecurity and jealousy might appear for me in the future, but for now I am not experiencing jealousy in my life with any of my male lovers.
I can enjoy Charles and Holland as long as I adjust my expectations of them. Their relationship is pretty dysfunctional, so I am only able to get so close to them emotionally. When we're all together, Holland seems to be okay. But as soon as Charles leaves her field of vision, she gets nervous and anxious. They fight almost daily and have done so since they met. It seems to be a normal dynamic for them and something which creates drama and keeps the intensity up for them. Although they both express that they are tired of it, they are unable to get out of the cycle. He is telling her he's poly and has said so since they first met. (I was on their first date.....how obvious is that?) She is saying "Okay". But she is also saying she's mono and wants him to convert over. He is not really listening to her and she's not listening to him. Deep down inside, they are trying to convert each other. She is not emotionally able to accept a poly lifestyle.
Their codependency on each other is so profound. I can tell that the drama of fighting, breaking up and then making up is exhilarating for them and it's a cycle that has been consistent since they met. Each of them expresses that they are tired of it, but neither are able to break free.
The codependency itself will keep them together....no telling how long, but probably for years. The ironic thing is that if either one of them would start working on their emotional health, it would ruin the relationship. They have to stay dysfunctional to keep it together.
Itís not the type of relationship I desire and therefore I have limited interactions with them, but sometimes when Richard and I get together with them we have such a great time. Like this weekend!!
I spent the entire weekend with Richard! We met up with Charles and Holland on Saturday and had such a great time going out to eat and then out dancing! The four of us are so comfortable with each other and we tend to spontaneously swap partners in public when showing affection to each other. It has gotten so second nature to us that we donít think about it anymore. Occasionally I would notice that people would be watching us and I would remember that we are not displaying the behavior of two traditional couples. At the restaurant, I noticed a woman watching us curiously. She was with a man and another couple. They all seemed to be quite bored with one another. She seemed to be aching for a bit of excitement.
At the end of the weekend, Richard and I discussed the fact that he will be selling his house within the next year and I suggested that he may consider moving into my house for a while and we can see how that goes. We are very compatible and enjoy spending time together. He truly feels comfortable with the poly lifestyle, as do I, so we would be free to continue with our current lifestyle. Itís been a long time since Iíve considered sharing a home with someone. The only way I would be comfortable with that is if we have an established poly lifestyle and are not still experiencing jealousy etc. It was nice to talk to him about that even if it never happens. I was surprised to hear myself saying it. Iíll have to think about it for a while and see if it is actually something that I would be comfortable with in the future
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.