As I am not in your situation, I can not tell you how to fix this. I hope other members will read this and offer thier two cents. I can say that the best thing you can do now is take care of yourself. I have been deeply depressed before. It can really take a toll on your body and spirit. Try to focus on yourself when you start getting down. I am dealing with a new love intrest that my guy has. I find that keeping busy when I get jealous or worried helps. I go for walks with my dog, do house work. Anything to keep my focus on something that can make me better... or help keep the house in order.
It seems hard, you know she doesn't want to stop seeing this guy. What does she expect from you? Have you asked her yet? Is she just asuming that you are going to be okay with it? Whatever you decide to do, just make sure you keep talking about it. I told my guy recently that I was going to be a little more needy in some respects because he does have a new "friend"... he understands this. I am his primary partner and I should not be afraid to ask for a little help when it comes to dealing with the emotional stuff. Maybe you and the wife can find something to work on together to help you both open up and figure out where this is going.
If I were in your shoes I would want to know her long term plans. I hate surprises. Do you think she would be okay to sit down and go over her goals? As soon as I found out my guy was into this one particular girl, I sat down with him (many times) and asked where exactly he wanted to take this. It sounds silly but I ask him almost daily if he still likes me and wants me as a friend/girlfriend/life partner. I know the answer is yes, but I always want to hear him say it. It makes me happy. I just want to know if he still enjoys me enough to want me to stay around. I'm going nowhere with this... I guess what I'm trying to say is, does she have a way to remind you that you are her #1 and she's not going anywhere? Something to make you feel like you are gaining something from the relationship.
I originally wanted a triad (I'm guessing that's what it's called feel free to correct me if I am wrong) with me and two men...and I still do, eventually. Of course things don't always go as planned... so my guy is now really crushing on this other girl. I did however, recently see a male friend of mine out of town. It was the first time I had "used my golden ticket" and had a sexual encounter with someone other than my current boyfriend. My primary has not been in an open relationship before me. So, after I got back in town there was a lot of talking and readjusting. I almost thought that my guy would change his mind about the whole poly thing and be mad at me. But we talked and talked and talked... until he was more comfortable with what I chose to do. All men are different... I'll also add that me and my guy have been talking about and researching poly ways for a few years now. So we knew it would happen. It sounds like you were hit by surprise. And that's the sucky part.
Again... I am not in your shoes so I'm just throwing thigs out there that have helped me and my guy. I hope you feel better and I hope this situation helps the two of you find out more about yourselves. Good luck.
Last edited by girlcaleb; 06-01-2010 at 04:52 AM.