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Old 05-31-2010, 09:10 AM
saudade saudade is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 139
Red face Take a deep breath


Welcome, and (((hugs))). None of you are in an easy spot.

There's some things in your words I'd like to tease out with you, with little bits of advice I can offer threaded in:

Therefore, while I've heard of Polyamory, she has not.
Have you told her about it? You might want to. Here's an awesome Boston Globe article that's not too intimidating:

We were mutual friends, but now he is too embarassed to face me.
Are you okay with the situation? If so, have you told him? How close are you? (Are either of you bisexual or bi-curious? I know that might be a rough question, so feel free to just think your answer on that one instead of typing it if you're so inclined.)

Finally, I know she does not want to allow him to have intercourse with him (we are very conservative), but she doesn't believe me when I tell her that he will demand it and that perhaps she is using him.
To confirm that I've got the pronouns in the right places in my head: she doesn't want to have sex with him, and you're concerned that A) she'll lose him over that point, and B) that she may be using him physically and/or emotionally. Is that correct?

From there... If you're friends with him, and concerned that she's using him, have you spoken with her about it? With him? What kind of being used are you worried about? What makes you think he'll demand sex?

She claims her desires are physical attraction and not love. I am relieved that I am not losing my wife to another. I know they are not compatible for the long term, but I fear she is kidding herself. I want her to be happy, and would prefer she met with a variety of other lovers rather than just L. And I admit that I am conflicted inside.
How do you feel about her claiming she's just physically attracted? Were you concerned she might leave you? How do you know they're incompatible, and what might she be kidding herself about? Do you think she wants a variety of lovers, now or in the future?

(It's okay to feel conflicted. It's pretty common, even without bringing non-monogamy into the mix!)

Why I write: I have a knot in my stomach for days now. I don't want to be jealous, but my pride doesn't want anybody knowing or thinking I let my wife be touched by others. How do I overcome this physical jealousy which I don't like intellectually? Was it fair for me to encourage my wife to go ahead and enjoy an affair, while admitting the hurt in my gut? I pushed my wife into sharing details with me in bed which led to intense love-making -- she was embarassed by this.
Are you feeling jealous of your wife's time with L, or just worried that people will judge you for allowing it? It's hard to tell from your words whether or not you're bothered by it happening, or just the thought of it getting out of the closet.

I'd call it absolutely fair to encourage her and to admit that it hurt. Though I don't have many of your words to go on, it sounds like exactly the strategy I prefer for handling rough feelings in these kinds of situations:

It's okay to be unsure of how much to share about sexual encounters with others when talking to your partner, and it's absolutely okay (at least in my opinion) to be aroused by the stories. Everyone has a different comfort level on both points, and it takes some trial and error to figure out what works for you.

Thanks for being brave enough to share. Keep posting-- we're here for you.

In cahoots,
"I was thorough when I looked for you, and I feel justified lying in your arms." - Chasing Amy
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