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Old 05-31-2010, 03:15 AM
saudade saudade is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 139
Default Replying to RP's initial prompt

anyone want to add on some good ol' poly lessons learned from their own experience?
1. It is infinitely easier to introduce poly at the beginning of a relationship than it is to open up a relationship that has been monogamous.

1a. If you're trying to open an existing mono relationship, and you've all done your best, and there is really no good coming of it, it's okay to end the situation in the best way possible. (In my case, it was leaving my mono boyfriend. Neither of us could change who we are.)

2. Everyone involved has to be trying to make things work.

2a. Metamours have to at least nominally try to get along for me to be happy being involved. The more improvement along that axis, the better.

3. I don't actually move at the pace of the slowest person. In the beginning, I say, "Here's how I live my life. Do you want in?" Then the other person tells me how they're living, and I decide if I want in too. Both sides can ask for accommodations at any time, and push on things that need it, but in general it's the responsibility of the person struggling to step it up (with support), not the responsibility of the person already living a functional life to put large parts of it on ice. (I know that's likely to be controversial... Feel free to start a new thread on it if you think it needs tearing apart--this doesn't seem like the place.)

I bet there's more, but I'm stumped for the moment.
"I was thorough when I looked for you, and I feel justified lying in your arms." - Chasing Amy
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