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Old 05-30-2010, 08:36 AM
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Originally Posted by fauxsisticated View Post
The girl he's been talking to lately is a lot like me. We look a lot alike, are of the same body type, wear similar glasses, her name is even similar to mine. Part of me wouldn't mind it if he dated girls that were my polar opposite, especially if I thought they were more attractive. I would understand that. But a girl who's so much like me... It makes me feel especially insecure. She sent him a few texts when I was around, and to my own surprise, I got very jealous and angry with him. I don't want to be like that!
Seems to imply that you and this girl are "his type" ... probably his exes are similar too. But no two people are identical, and there are things about you that he could never find in any other partner.

Although you say you would be fine if he was dating someone who was different from you, prettier... I frankly don't believe you :P We get a lot of people here who state those qualities as the reason for their insecurity.

But the truth is that insecurity is never "because" of something the other person is doing. Those actions just bring out something that is inside yourself.

My whole thing is, girls offer me something he can't, and that's one of the main reasons I wanted to open up our relationship. I would understand completely if he wanted to date guys, cos they'd offer him something I can't, could fulfill something for him I know I couldn't.
Here's something you can't offer him: being more than one person If he has a desire for variety, then no matter how fantastic you are, it would never "be enough."

What you're saying boils down to this: It's ok for you to date whoever you want, because you only want to date girls. It's not ok for your fiance to date whoever he wants, because he wants to date girls.

I really want to get to know this girl, hopefully even befriend her. I'd love it if she and I could even go shopping or see a movie or something... I don't want her to feel she has to compete with me, and I don't want to continue fearing the unknown. Ideally, I'd like there to be very little awkwardness between all three of us, and I could feel confident that the two of them can have fun and even love each other without it eclipsing/undermining our relationship.
This is very smart and definitely the best way to boost your confidence in your fiance's decision. Is there any reason why this is not a possibility?

My worst fear is she will try to break us up, or turn him against me somehow. My fiancé has assured me he wouldn't stay with someone who tried to do that, but I'm still fearful. As bad as it sounds, I know myself, and know my heart. I know for sure I can love more than one person at the same time and keep my priorities straight. My fiancé has never been interested in polyamory until he met me, so I worry he might not possess the same capabilities. The scales might tip in one direction or the other.
You're marrying the guy, give him some credit! Your best tool here is communication, communication, communication. Talk to him a lot, talk to her a lot. If you're close to both of them, you'll pick up on that kind of behaviour early enough to bring it out into the open. Perhaps the old song, "If you love something, you have to let it go and see if it comes back, to know that it truly loves you too." ... meaning, if you go down this road and he does ultimately leave you for another woman, then you're probably saving yourself the trouble of being abandoned later in your marriage. Because any person who would do that would do it in monogamy as well.

I also worry about safe sex issues. I'm more militant about safe sex than my fiancé. I've voiced this concern as well, but I really don't want him to impregnate anyone or pass a disease along to me. He and I are clean and fluid bonded, and I want to keep it that way. Maybe if I felt really, REALLY comfortable that the other girl was a.) STD free, and b.) on a reliable form of birth control, I would be okay with being more lax about condom usage. That's a big "if," though.
Couldn't possibly agree more! Personally, I would never have no-condom sex outside my marriage, no matter how close I was to someone. And in this case, if you already suspect that she might be trying to steal your guy, then you clearly don't trust her enough to believe she's using condoms. That's fine, you don't have to trust anyone if you don't want to.

I know one married couple who has extramarital sex, and they always use condoms with each other. They laugh at the phrase "fluid-bonded" and believe that the only way to be 100% safe in non-monogamy is for everyone to always use condoms every time. Just another way to roll...

You have every right to say that one of your boundaries within polyamory is to always use latex barriers. Just remember, that also means dental dams between you and your girlfriends!!!
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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