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Old 05-30-2010, 07:46 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Location: Saskatchewan
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Originally Posted by dragonflysky View Post
My concern.....not enough time and communication with him. It's NOT that I think it's because she would resent it. I think it's him... but maybe it's me! I've come out and told him that I would like to have "regular" contact with him, giving him the specific example of "3 to 4 emails per week and one or two phone calls." I've told him I don't feel like I get much priority in his life, that I want to feel desired by him and "pursued". At the same time....I don't know if what I'd like is unreasonable in terms of a poly relationship. They both work and are raising her 8 year old son. She also attends college. I'm single and my children are grown up, so I definitely have more spare time on my hands. It seems like if I want to be a part of this "family" I'm the one who has to try and figure out how to fit myself into their life together.
For questions like these, I always try to look at them from a non-poly perspective.

A lot of girls like to be pursued. But a lot of boys do too! Maybe he feels it's unfair that he has to do all the chasing? Feeling desired is different, everyone wants to feel desired by the people they're dating.

"What you'd like" is not unreasonable in a poly relationship. Take poly out of the equation, and you just have a relationship. You have the right to have needs and to pursue relationships that meet your needs. Note, I'm very carefully not saying that having needs means your partner has the responsibility to meet them. That responsibility is uniquely yours.

If he were single and working and raising an 8-year-old, he still wouldn't have a lot of time (or energy) to aggressively pursue someone. Add a girlfriend into the equation, and he's going to want quality time with her of course, which leaves less and less time for him to spend with someone else.

I would be very hesitant to move closer to him on the promise of more quality time. I would hate to see you uproot your life that way only to find yourself even more disappointed.

If he hasn't time to pick up the phone, where does he think he'll find time to visit? That takes even longer, and usually requires first picking up the phone to make the plans.
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