I've read this post on this lady's thread several times now. I like it. I don't always like how she writes/talks. But I do like the points she makes a lot.
It's probably all been said before-but it touched me again tonight-so I figured "what the hell, I'll share".
This post of hers, from December actually explains WHY I was SO upset about Maca and GG not even TRYING to be friends or "friendly". It gets right to the heart of what I was trying to say-but wasn't doing such a great job at.
Monday, December 28, 2009
It’s been a while. Life has been hitting hard these days with many, many changes and a few terrible illnesses hitting the family. We will survive it.
Anyway, below is my entry. Have a HAPPY NEW YEAR and hopefully your Christmas’s gave you a moments of happiness.
More than one…
That’s the basis for polyamory right? Right? This means polyamory is a group dynamic correct? This means in order for it to work you have to be a part of the group or at least allow yourself to be open enough to communicate needs, desires, and hurts. Right?
This also means that your actions mean something. Right?
I guess I can stop adding “right?” to everything and just get to the fucking point.
You have to allow yourself to be apart of a group dynamic if you are going to be poly even if your intention is only to have intimate sexual relations with just one person in the group.
You have to take responsibility for your actions at all times. You can’t assume that what you say or do has no repercussions to the group. You cannot pretend “it’s their problem” and walk away from what you have done.
You have to communicate. Period. If you cannot do this you cannot build the trust needed to make polyamory work. PERIOD.
If you cannot do these things then you need to get the fuck out. PERIOD.
So let’s take a look at things:
What does it mean being a part of a group? Basically it means that you interact with everyone in the group, consider their feelings and make a conscious effort to keep the machine, the group, moving in the direction of the common goal, happiness.
This is such a broad concept with so many details that we tend to skip over them because like I said, it’s a broad concept. But don’t let that stop you from trying to figure things out.
One of the things everyone in a poly relationship should be doing is figuring out what drives the machine, what interactions are required and what keeps everyone happy most of the time.
This basically means you have to get to know everyone in the group on a one on one basis. Everyone should have a minimal comradely relationship. You don’t need to fuck, but you need to like each other beyond tolerance.
If you are just “tolerating” anyone in the group, shit is going to fly and you’re never going to know in what direction.
The ideal in a poly dynamic is a sense of family, being on the same team, of everyone having your back, standing by your side, basically everyone should be able to trust the entire group.
Levels of trust will differ depending on the type of interaction, lovers, friends and the level of need required by each individual. You may need tons of proof for trust. Another member may need nothing more than your word. (Neither is more noble than the other.)
How do you get trust? Well hell, you know the answer to that.
Communication is always the answer and if you can’t dive into the sense of group enough to give that then things are doomed.
Okay so taking responsibility for your actions and words….
I’ve talked about this one before. Basically most, if not everything, you do or say in the group means something to someone. And if those things are taken wrong, it doesn’t absolve you from having done them. Does it make you a prick or a bitch? Depends.
Sometimes we say thoughtless things.
“She looked better yesterday.”
Is this necessarily a bad statement?
No, it’s not. It might mean she looks good today, but not as good as she did yesterday. Someone might see the meaning as “ She looks bad today.”
Something like that is in the ear of the listener. One can explain what they mean and it never be heard. The original speaker just needs to apologize even if they didn’t mean harm. It doesn’t cost anyone anything and everyone can move on.
That’s taking responsibility for the group dynamic and allowing it to function beyond personal pride. Every one in the group should be doing this.
Now if that statement was made with a snide tone an apology is needed. Things may have to be discussed further depending on the matter and also the frequency of such tonalities.
Tone means everything and if a speaker is consistent in offensive tones the speaker needs to change the habit even if they don’t mean it. Why?
For one, offensive tones can cause trouble. It can make a neutral statement sound combative. This would require constant explanation and apology by the speaker. Over time, the explanations and apologies would mean nothing because repeat apologies now sound like bullshit. It now sounds like the speaker intends insult.
Repeat offenses, even if unintentional, stop being unintentional.
It now becomes thoughtless and negligent regardless of what the speaker thinks. For the speaker to continuously state “it’s their problem” is a clear statement to everyone in the group:
The speaker does not care enough to change an offensive habit and does not care about group stability. The speaker is more concerned about themselves because a repetition of this action WILL cause resentment. Resentment causes the dynamic to lose focus from its common goal,
If the speaker can’t drop the ego on the matter or continues not to see that they are now the problem then that person can kiss their involvement in the group goodbye or in some cases, the entire group will dissolve. Basically, bye bye love fest.
So what needs to happen? Well, it all revolves around the dreaded word “Communication”.
I think people forget that communication is a complicated thing. They forget it’s not just hearing the words, but understanding the words and going beyond understanding and taking action.
“You hurt me because (XXXXXX)”
“Ok, I’m sorry.”
“You hurt me again because (XXXXXX).”
“Ok, I’m sorry.”
“You hurt….” You get the idea right?
Either A, communication hasn’t occurred or B, the person doing the hurting doesn’t give a fuck. If they don’t give a fuck, we need to find out why and work that kink out. Is it a communication problem or something else? Is this retaliation from some pervious incident?
In ANY scenario, people need to talk. They need to express pain, hurt, reasons, etc. Everyone one needs to be heard. Everyone needs the catharsis. EVERYONE needs to be ready to dish it and take it.
It sucks ass sometimes, but it’s needed. If the group cannot withstand effective communication then it’s not strong enough to bare the weight of itself. Essentially, it will fail and people will get hurt.
If two people, lovers, friends, family cannot talk to each other, listen to each other and hear the good as well as the bad then they aren’t what they think they are. Lovers listen and take it. Friends fight and come back to each other. Family stands by you no matter what.
This doesn’t mean you get to shit on people. It doesn’t mean “It’s their problem and if they turn their backs on me then they don’t love me.”
What it means is that everyone, EVERYONE, has to take responsibility for what they say and do. They have to modify their behavior if that behavior consistently causes pain or stress to one or more of the group. If they don’t that person isn’t a part of the group and doesn’t have the group in mind. They only have themselves and if this is the case then they need to drop out.
(And remember, polyamory is a group of one on one interactions interplaying with one of two, two on one, three on one, etc, etc. In the end it’s the group, but you are a piece of the group.)
Posted by ~ I at 9:35 AM 2 comments