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Old 05-30-2010, 03:49 AM
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fauxsisticated fauxsisticated is offline
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Portland, ME
Posts: 28
Default So I'm feeling like a giant hypocrite...

And I could really use some advice!

My fiancÚ (and primary partner) and I decided to open up our relationship some months back, for a number of reasons, but primarily because polyamory has always appealed to me, and I was seriously crushing on a female friend of mine. I told my fiancÚ when we first got together that I'm bi, (pansexual, really,) and I didn't believe monogamy would be sustainable for me in the longterm. After many talks over many months, we decided to try non-monogamy. I began seeing my female friend, and things were great for months. The two of them got along great, everything was blissful. Things did not work out with my friend, and I went on to continue looking around for girls to date. For a long time, my fiancÚ said he was not interested in dating other girls and was happy enough with me.

Recently, though, he's decided he wants to date other girls, too. We discussed this and I knew the day would come, and I've been sort of dreading it. I fear being replaced by another girl. I'm afraid he'll grow to love someone more than me, and I'll get dumped. I haven't been interested in dating other guys. I went on a date with one guy -- I only went cos my fiancÚ decided to start dating girls; a silly reason, I know -- the date didn't go well, not surprisingly.

The girl he's been talking to lately is a lot like me. We look a lot alike, are of the same body type, wear similar glasses, her name is even similar to mine. Part of me wouldn't mind it if he dated girls that were my polar opposite, especially if I thought they were more attractive. I would understand that. But a girl who's so much like me... It makes me feel especially insecure. She sent him a few texts when I was around, and to my own surprise, I got very jealous and angry with him. I don't want to be like that!

I also firmly believe I wouldn't mind in the least if he dated guys, but he's straight, and therefore not into it. My whole thing is, girls offer me something he can't, and that's one of the main reasons I wanted to open up our relationship. I would understand completely if he wanted to date guys, cos they'd offer him something I can't, could fulfill something for him I know I couldn't. I know it's a moot point, as he's flat out not into guys.

I really want to get to know this girl, hopefully even befriend her. I'd love it if she and I could even go shopping or see a movie or something... I don't want her to feel she has to compete with me, and I don't want to continue fearing the unknown. Ideally, I'd like there to be very little awkwardness between all three of us, and I could feel confident that the two of them can have fun and even love each other without it eclipsing/undermining our relationship. My worst fear is she will try to break us up, or turn him against me somehow. My fiancÚ has assured me he wouldn't stay with someone who tried to do that, but I'm still fearful. As bad as it sounds, I know myself, and know my heart. I know for sure I can love more than one person at the same time and keep my priorities straight. My fiancÚ has never been interested in polyamory until he met me, so I worry he might not possess the same capabilities. The scales might tip in one direction or the other.

I also worry about safe sex issues. I'm more militant about safe sex than my fiancÚ. I've voiced this concern as well, but I really don't want him to impregnate anyone or pass a disease along to me. He and I are clean and fluid bonded, and I want to keep it that way. Maybe if I felt really, REALLY comfortable that the other girl was a.) STD free, and b.) on a reliable form of birth control, I would be okay with being more lax about condom usage. That's a big "if," though.

Ugh... I can't imagine this is all that unique of a situation. Any advice, veterans to the poly world? It'd be much appreciated!
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