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Old 05-29-2010, 04:36 PM
Syrus Syrus is offline
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Join Date: May 2010
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Originally Posted by rpcrazy View Post
First off I want to say my hats off to you sir. Your respect, grace, examples of loving concepts, and understanding are commendable, and you deserve all the praise in the world for your high amounts of virtues. I've only met a few people who displayed the same amounts of wisdom in their relationships and they are far too few in my opinion.
gabe -

Thank you so much for the complement, and as I wrote jkelley, everything I am now came from tough lessons, good communication and therapy. I'll also add that admitting to and then embracing the fact I am poly has helped me become much more loving and accepting of who I am, and knowing what kind relationships and people I want to be involved with. It's very liberating!

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2nd, this thread is super graceful, and I apologize if I ruin that grace...however, with the information that has been presented(all thx to your thorough sense of writing) I feel the danger level of the flags presented are !critical! level and are being underrated.
The fact that you're adding your experience and wisdom to this thread is grace in itself, and something I very much appreciate, gabe. I really value caring people telling it to me straight. One thing I don't want to do is get into the habit of denial and not dealing with the problems as I see (or don't see) them arise. My SO is the most reasonable communicator that I've ever met, so I feel anything I lay out is going to have serious consideration and discussion. All I need is assurance that the situation goes beyond my feelings and I can gain some clarity and advice of what issues I really need to put on the table.

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Red pepper sort of the beat me to the punch but i'll further add to her advice. Simply put, I believe fully, that for you and your SO to be happy and have what you want; the HOBF needs to move out there, transfer his job or attempt to get a new one; get a low-rent apartment that's somewhere close to you guys and make a commitment to his girlfriend(your SO), and to creating a co-existence between their relationship, and her relationship with you(all being relative to his perspective). That's the only way I see this playing out, from a futuristic perspective. Because, IMO, they're relationship can't last forever in "visits". Eventually they're going to need to be closer to each other. Your g/f already knows this and wants it.
I think the visits are wearing thin with SO, who has put in most of the miles to facilitate the relationship. The trip is four hours one way, and I know from experience that traveling like that on a semi-consistent basis becomes tiring over the long run. The move-in issue has also become more urgent for SO due to the fact that we're planning on moving to the southwest in the next four or five years. I'm not stuck on the timetable myself (I've wanted to move back out there for a while), but SO wants this to happen sooner rather than later (the move would put her closer to her folks). SO feels like she needs to make something happen with HOBF, or lose the relationship all together. I have cautioned her to not to push the issue with him, and have him come to his own decisions about what he wants to do. Sounds like good advice, except for the fact he doesn't communicate very much.

Your and RedPepper's advice is great for this situation, because it won't matter when he is ready to come closer, he can pack up and come to either location. On the other hand, the move to the southwest would turn four to six visits a year into one or two, so it's incumbent on them to come to a resolution on what needs to happen. I'd be very happy if he were closer for both of their sakes, but it's apparent that the moving-in part at this time would be a disaster, and cost everyone great relationships.

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I have a few assessment from the facts you've given.

1. Investigation needs to be put forth towards the true nature, and character of HOBF. I believe that he isn't simply "non-poly", but more like a poly disaster waiting to happen. Some basis for my conclusion comes from a blind personality profile. 1. He's happy with what he gets. This is telling a lot about the kind of person he is. He possibly hasn't really figured out what he really wants in life, or hasn't fully developed his true self and feels inclined to not think about what he wants. He's possibly depressed; either chemically, interpersonally, or both. A lot of ideas pop up. 2. She's been dating him and has known him longer than you, however he lives in a different state now. So either she moved, or he moved. I'm going to assume that she moved, given his "comfortability" to his location. This is also telling of the kind of person he is and adds to macro-reasons why he has problem communicating. He isn't matured, he's generally a fearful person, the list goes on...
You've pegged a couple things -- I really don't think he's figured out what he wants, and I'll add that I think he has found super security where he lives. It's a small community with a college at it's heart, so there is enough change to keep things fresh, but nothing really changes much. Plus, I think he has sweet memories of the past, so he has more reason to stay than to leave. You're right, SO used to live in the area, and moved to the area where we live about 16 years ago. We do live in adjacent states. (Gosh you're good! )

I'm not sure of the depression part, but SO has said they did consider marriage when they lived in the same place, but maturity issues got in the way. The fearful part does make sense -- unless she raises a fuss about him coming down, he prefers her to come up to visit.

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2. Regardless of my assumptions, and including the information you've provided, it is my opinion that the majority of work is going to have to be with your SO and HOBF. He is the weakest link, simply put. As stated before, you are in a poly relationship, him included...Despite if he's poly or not. So basically, he needs to be...educated. It's really that simple. It would be different if your relationship with SO was different, but it seems you guys are in a committed partnership, and that's not going away(yay!).
SO has been talking to him about a poly relationship, but he doesn't give her much feedback about it. The lack of communication leads to lots of speculation on my part, as well as with SO, who is left trying to figure things out with what information he provides and passing it on to me. My concern is that he simply gives her lip service as long as gets what he wants. SO and I are in a committed relationship, but her relationship with HOBF is strong too, which leads to conflicts of the heart at times. Some speculation on my part is that she's trying to "spin" the poly angle so he'll go for it, rather than putting the information on the table and discussing. But then again, communication is key and that will be a point to discuss with her.

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For everything to work out in the future, HOBF needs to educated about communication, the important of compersion for his girlfriends' relationship, how his life is going to change, why you aren't going away, why it's important that he needs to figure out if he wants this relationship dynamic, and further concepts that are involved in your poly relationship. That's the skinny...
My hope is that he sees the advantages and is willing to accept and participate in a great relationship, but the work is for everyone. I'll be as supportive as I've always been with their relationship. My hope that SO is able to to either educate him or at least come to a decision of where their relationship is ultimately going to go.

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I wish all the luck in the world my friend. I believe if you keep your strength, and your SO really works with you on this, you can guys can have something beautiful. THANKS FOR SHARING YOUR STORY! peace and love...
-gabe
gabe -- thanks for the advice and observations. I was hoping for a little clarity, and I got the bright lights and a clear path of the direction I need to take discussing this with SO!

I'll post to this thread what comes of this discussion. Again, thanks for the wonderful words and support. I have the confidence SO and I can work positively through this issue.

Love to all -

S
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