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Old 05-29-2010, 01:55 PM
inlovewith2 inlovewith2 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 117

Sorry, but I've never been a big fan of ending discussions just because they get uncomfortable and people would rather drop it than finish it...
I'm glad that you did. I don't like to drop convos, always aiming for mutual understanding and respect.

agree that it wasn't productive. It was a failed attempt at making a statement about you without being accusatory. I tried to phrase it in terms of how it came across ("this action sounds like") instead of judgement on you ("you're acting like"). But it came out sounding like when someone says "I feel like you're a jerk," which is a thinly veiled way of just saying "you're a jerk" and not remotely an "I statement" (I'm using that as an analogy, not implying that you're a jerk).
I truly do appreciate your intent. Intent is so important.

You say I won't convince you otherwise, but that never stops me from trying! I really wasn't trying to insult you.
It's nice to hear that you weren't trying to insult me, and I fully admit that the state I'm in lately makes it hard not to filter things through negative glasses. I had hoped that my sharing how fragile I was feeling, people would be extra careful, but I always know that what we hope may not be what we get.

I don't feel that it's ever warranted for intelligent adults to scream at each other. It's a sign that communication has reached complete and total breakdown. That warrants stepping away from the situation, allowing your emotions to settle, and approaching it anew from a different perspective.
You're assuming I'm intelligent ;-). Truly jk, and trying to bring a tiny bit of levity to the convo. ITA that it indicates the total breakdown. That's where we were imo. And not to be overly dramatic, but growing up in an abusive household instilled in me this intense need to never stand by and let myself be mistreated. What I'm learning is that sometimes in defending myself, I open myself up for more salt to be poured into my wounds. And I felt wounded by his words (which is partly on me).

Again, in every single interaction I've had on line, I am for positive communication. Ironically, I've frequently been asked to step in and smooth things over when others get into heated discussions where neither is hearing the other any longer.

I did step away, and fully consciously weighed the decision to use all caps, finally settling on the idea that this was the only chance I had for this man to hear how badly I needed him to stop poking at me. Admittedly, it didn't work, but I stand by my judicious use of the strategy. I know that none of you knows me, so don't know that I'm largely a very reasonable person with strong communication skills. I haven't demonstrated that here as I would have liked.

What disappoints me the most is that now I'm feeling *very* hesitant to post here any longer. And we are so new to this and experiencing challenges, that it would be nice to have this as a resource. That's unfortunate.

At first, without fully reading the thread, and just going by what TL had "quoted" (which, after reading the thread, I realized was nothing more than putting words in your mouth), I thought he had a point.
I can see that happening. But being on the receiving end, quite frankly sucked.

Now that I've bothered reading everything, I'm changing sides... TL: you were totally wrong. I couldn't find anywhere that she said she lied to him beyond the initial cheating. This is not, by any stretch, the first poly relationship to begin in cheating, and unfortunately won't be the last.
This is completely and totally true.

And I agree: Husband says it's informed consent, that's pretty black & white and should have been the end of discussion. Only then TL puts words in your mouth, words I couldn't find in any of your posts:

She didn't actually say she got caught. It's obvious from the chain of posts that she acknowledges she started on the wrong foot, but since learning her lesson, has become completely open and honest. For pete's sake, her husband was at a poly meet when the whole incident started!
Thank You!!! Really, I am working on being comfortable in my own skin and not worrying what others think, but it's not an overnight process, and it feels nice to have someone stick up for me. Sounds childish, but it is how I feel, so I thank you.
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