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Old 05-29-2010, 07:52 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 211
Default "Secondary" and compromise.....

I'm quite new to the concept of polyamory. Had never heard of it until about 6 months ago.

What happened.....Met a guy through an online dating site. In his profile he identified himself as "divorced" which he is, but made no mention of being in an "open" or a "polyamorous" relationship. (There was no category for "open relationship", "poly" etc., but he didn't mention it in the body of his profile either.) We had some email exchanges and a phone call or two before the word "polyamory" came up. He had alluded to the fact that he felt you could love more than one person at a time in our prior exchanges, but up until then had never stated it clearly or referred to it by name. He told me after discussing polyamory in general that he had a primary partner and each was looking for an additional partner. He's heterosexual. His primary partner is a bi-sexual female. I'm a heterosexual female. There's no expectation that I would be involved in a sexual relationship with her, too. We live about 6 hours away from each other, which adds to the challenge of developing a relationship. (But, I live in a very small town in the mountains, so most people live at least 2 1/2 hours away from me at the closest!)

Anyhow....move forward to about 5 months later....I've read a lot on poly, done a lot of self-examination, and met him and his primary partner in-person for the first time last month. He and I hit it off very well in-person. She and I didn't spend a lot of time together, but enjoyed one another's company during the time we did spend interacting with each other. (I think she's the type of person I would choose as a friend even if we didn't have this guy in common.)

My concern.....not enough time and communication with him. It's NOT that I think it's because she would resent it. I think it's him... but maybe it's me! I've come out and told him that I would like to have "regular" contact with him, giving him the specific example of "3 to 4 emails per week and one or two phone calls." I've told him I don't feel like I get much priority in his life, that I want to feel desired by him and "pursued". At the same time....I don't know if what I'd like is unreasonable in terms of a poly relationship. They both work and are raising her 8 year old son. She also attends college. I'm single and my children are grown up, so I definitely have more spare time on my hands. It seems like if I want to be a part of this "family" I'm the one who has to try and figure out how to fit myself into their life together.

I'd be open to relocating to be nearer to where they live to see if that would help ease things up time-wise. He thinks it would. I'd find a job in their area first and for the time being I'd live in a separate household on my own. (I've been wanting to move from where I currently live, anyhow, due to there being such limited resources, social opportunities, and conservative values and viewpoints. Just wasn't sure where I'd move to!) My concern, however, is that I'd always feel like the odd person out. That it wouldn't be an "equal" relationship. That I would be the one making most of the compromises.

Now....I understand that no one can make me do anything...including compromising. At the same time I'm not clear on how relationship dynamics work in polyamorous relationships. I realize they can vary, as can monogamous relationships, but I've been exposed to far more examples of monogamy than polyamory. I want to be "fair" and "reasonable". But I don't want to feel like I'm the one doing most of the compromising.

Any thoughts or feedback would be greatly appreciated. I'm not even sure if I'm making much sense!
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