I'm glad you've attained peace, friend
What i've noticed about your situation and many like it, is that in this horrible taboo-ish, grey-ish area, "alternative", things gets so mucked up it pisses me off!!!!
The idea i'm talking about, in your case, is the idea that women(and men have in some cases) think that it's ok for them to have a same sex, meaningful, loving, and/or intimate relationship with another woman because in their mind it's still not...real...or something like that. I see it all the time. Women will express that they're BI to their husbands or whatever, all the the while knowing that they've wanted a more soft intimate relationship with women for a long time, usually because women understand women better. So they go about telling their husband this. Naturally the way it plays out is, if the husband allows it, the woman has her cake and eats it too. She has her "security" in her husband, and her intimate relationship with the other girl.
I see it all the time in the lesbian community...the girl will have a boyfriend(or husband) and then a girlfriend. But if you can read people at all, you can tell the female relationship is like TONS deeper than opposite gender relationships.
Now, i'm not saying this is the case, all the time. In my last example, that was mainly displayed in the lesbian community(so if you think about it makes sense). But I feel the same amount of injustice is displayed in MOST OF THESE SITUATIONS, poly, swinging, or any other alternative style. I think it's a complete double standard that when the PARTNER
says, "well, i'd like to be involved" then the SLEW of excuses comes up!!!
"i'm not comfortable seeing you with another girl/guy"
"sex to me is important, and same gender sex isn't the same..."
or when a guy says to his girl that wants to date other men too....
"I feel that would ruin out relationship because i feel threatened"
And a bunch of other such silliness. I don't know...i just don't like it, i don't get it. I expect fairness, equality, and reciprocity in real loving relationships. And this idea does not show that, it does not show love or empathy, or understanding. ARGH!