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Old 05-27-2010, 02:07 PM
Syrus Syrus is offline
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Join Date: May 2010
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jkelly View Post
My sense from reading your description is that you're really good at doing smart thinking about this stuff, which bodes well for working through poly- issues in general.
jkelly -

Thanks for the complement, but I do admit that the "smart thinking" came after a few years of mis-steps, hard knocks and lots of soul-searching and therapy. But without the tough lessons, how do we gain real wisdom? At the very core of this smart thinking is the fact that I don't want to see a better than great relationship turn sour.

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From this, I am assuming that it would be his preference that you weren't in her life. If I'm wrong about that, then the rest of what I write isn't going to be very relevant. If I'm right, though, that's a red flag for me. I avoid involvements with people who would prefer that I not be involved with my partner(s).
She has mentioned after his visit that HOBF wouldn't be adverse to SO dumping me and moving up to his area to be with him. That being said, your assumption is accurate. BUT, I'm not sure if that was something he actually said, or that is her read on his general attitude towards their relationship. I'm fairly sure that SO has thought about this for some time before HOBF's visit, and she mentioned it in the course of discussion afterwards. I admit that I do feel bit in the butt, considering the fact that I've been very supportive of SO keeping up her relationship with HOBF. It is a red flag we'll be discussing.

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The scheduling stuff is always a challenge, and gets harder when there's something wonky in the relationship. It might get easier when the relationship isn't LD, since there might be less pressure to get in as much time as possible over ten days.
Scheduling is a pain, a necessary evil, but something I work very well with. One of my fears is that since polyamory isn't HOBF's thing, he'll constantly petition for more time and create continuing friction within the household. However, this last visit probably did more harm than good with that particular feeling, owing to the fact that he was trying to get in as much time as possible with SO before going back home.

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I don't think so -- I think that you're probably picking up on something being off in this dynamic. Do you think that you would feel this way if your potential new housemate was cheerful about and supportive of your relationship?
Probably not on the sacrifice part. I do feel if you expect someone to sacrifice something, they should receive something in return, even if it's a small consolation. To me, if everyone contributes (or sacrifices), everyone gains. As for competition for affection, I would feel much more comfortable if HOBF was cheerful and supportive of my relationship with SO, but I'm not sure that would really fix or even help the underlying issues that would bubble up from mismatched expectations.

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I think you need to not live with someone (HOBF) who resents you. That would be really, really unpleasant!
That kind of resent would be my fear, not only from HOBF, but from myself also. Resent is a difficult feeling to deal with.

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There are lots of people around here who have made poly- relationships work where one partner is tempermentally monogamous, and I suspect that they would be a good resource for your GF (and/or HOBF if he was open to it) on how to make that work.
That's the hope of my SO, but that has to include work on HOBF's part. I'm not sure if he really has an interest with doing that. The big unknown at this point is what exactly he wants, since his personal communication is spotty at best.

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I'll just note that I think that the brakes need to be firmly applied to any living together plans (if not that relationship) if HOBF can't demonstrate that the three of you can spend the vast majority of your time together free of tension, in public or private. That's a little unfair, since he doesn't travel much, and he's the one who is always getting less attention, but he's also the one "auditioning" to live with you two.
I'm reluctant to attempt to put the brakes on their relationship as it stands now, mainly because SO and HOBF have kept things decent and unobtrusive. Although the current visit set-up does seem unfair, it has been in place since long before SO and I got together and it seems to work well to everyone's benefit. As far as moving in and living together, I think you're correct. As it stands now, I think everyone's perceptions and expectations are too mismatched for it to work. I'll also keep the "auditioning" thought in mind -- thanks for mentioning it!

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Best of luck.
Thanks so much for your time responding back to me, and I deeply appreciate your responses and opinions.

S
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