Thread: Just a thought
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Old 05-27-2010, 02:27 AM
MyDemonsMyAngels MyDemonsMyAngels is offline
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 17
Angry Just a thought

okay, so now my boyfriend has his own account HulkSmash. Thank you to those who made it aware to the importance of him having his own account and me having mine.
I will admit that we do have some trust issues to work out. I have a few thoughts. I find myself struggling with the thoughts of having less time with him..and the time I used to have with him being given to someone else. How have other primary partners dealt with this. It makes me upset and i feel like he is gaining another love, the person he is with is gaining love..and me IM LOSING time and energy that used to be spent on ME and NOW IT IS with SOMEONE ELse....uuugghh.
I have good days...and then i just have REALLY bad days where the thought literally eats me from the inside out....I WANT TO BE OKAY WITH THIS... I WANT TO NOT BE HURT by it anymore.
And the more I try it seems like the colder my heart gets to him. The closer i get to being 100% okay with not only the thought but the actual reaction...the more my heart closes its self from him...and the less "loving" feelings I have for him...
I have no idea what is going on inside my head anymore...
I feel as if i have been run over by an emotional train that keeps on reversing and going back over me again...
I mean really...before he cheated on me things were great...i thought we had an understanding...I guess not...and now since he cheated on me everything is all fucked up...I want to get over it...but its like there is WAY TO MUCH WAY TO FUCKING SOON!!! Not only did you cheat on me...which i have to get over...but you love the girl you did it with so I feel PRESSURED to not keep you from that because it would hurt you...PRESSURED to get over it... BUT DAMMIT I DONT WANT TO HURT EITHER...why should i have to cater to your happiness... doesnt my happiness matter too...
I CAN DEAL WITH ALL OF THIS BUT NOT ALL AT ONCE... IT IS KILLING ME.. LITERALLY. And to all of those reading this he has said over and over that he will give me time to get past all this but i feel pressure anyway..the unspoken kind...we talk to a therapist about it and even the therapist is like Patty you need to get over it...or just move on. I feel like the world is racing around me and i searching for SOMETHING ANYTHING to pull me back into reality.
I dont know...i just try and put myself into his shoes...and see what i would do. And all I come up with is... DOING ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to make my partner feel comfortable. Let them know that yes I am poly and yes that is the lifestyle i will eventually want to embark on...but for right now I am just going to focus on you because you are my priority and im going to rebuild your trust...and we will re-approach the poly lifestyle at a future date and time...
and truly I would wait until my partner came to me to discuss it again...or i wouldnt bring it up for at least 3 months...and if i did...i would only say it to make sure my partner knew that that is what i want my life to be...


am i making sense.... i know im just ranting right now...but i cannot help but get insulted when someone doesnt handle a situation the same way i would...i know PERSONAL problem.. i see it and i recognize it... I am working on it..
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