Hmmm. Quite a situation you're in. My only concern is that it seems that you've done a good job of understanding your wife's poly needs and the relationship that she has with her friend, while she doesn't seem to be extending the same courtesy to you. Now I know that you said that it started with her friend and you were supportive, but is your wife truly trying to see things from your perspective or just hoping that you'll eventually just stop asking?
Please don't think I'm making assumptions about your wife as I don't know her. Just asking questions as they come up in my head.
Live life to the fullest 'cause you never know if you're gonna wake up tomorrow!