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Old 05-26-2010, 09:14 PM
jkelly jkelly is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 168

My sense from reading your description is that you're really good at doing smart thinking about this stuff, which bodes well for working through poly- issues in general.

Originally Posted by Syrus View Post
he was happy to have any amount of time with her and he wasn't a poly person.
From this, I am assuming that it would be his preference that you weren't in her life. If I'm wrong about that, then the rest of what I write isn't going to be very relevant. If I'm right, though, that's a red flag for me. I avoid involvements with people who would prefer that I not be involved with my partner(s).

Originally Posted by Syrus View Post
The mad part came from the feeling that her time was being treated like a commodity. My response was that she needs to realize that her time is finite, and has to be divved up in some fashion between two others and herself. She has indicated she wants this set-up to become a reality at some point, though.
The scheduling stuff is always a challenge, and gets harder when there's something wonky in the relationship. It might get easier when the relationship isn't LD, since there might be less pressure to get in as much time as possible over ten days.

Originally Posted by Syrus View Post
am I being petty with the sacrifice and competition for affection issues?
I don't think so -- I think that you're probably picking up on something being off in this dynamic. Do you think that you would feel this way if your potential new housemate was cheerful about and supportive of your relationship?

Are there red flags I'm not seeing in my assessment, or am I being the red flag? Do I or my SO need to change approach? Do we need to reassess changing our relationship to poly or keep it as it is?
I think you need to not live with someone (HOBF) who resents you. That would be really, really unpleasant!

There are lots of people around here who have made poly- relationships work where one partner is tempermentally monogamous, and I suspect that they would be a good resource for your GF (and/or HOBF if he was open to it) on how to make that work.

I'll just note that I think that the brakes need to be firmly applied to any living together plans (if not that relationship) if HOBF can't demonstrate that the three of you can spend the vast majority of your time together free of tension, in public or private. That's a little unfair, since he doesn't travel much, and he's the one who is always getting less attention, but he's also the one "auditioning" to live with you two.

Best of luck.
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