Originally Posted by idealist
I understand. But you can't "fix" anyone.
That's your right to make that decision. Maybe monogamy is your true choice and there is nothing wrong with that.
I think the hurt was from getting involved with (and thinking you could fix) a highly dysfunctional person though....not from trying to practice polyamory. It would be like saying monogamy doesn't work after getting involved with a dysfunctional person in a monogamous relationship. One has nothing to do with the other.
Good luck to you!!!
Never thought we could fix her. We believed that while she had her baggage, she also had it under control and wanted to solve the problems she still had. You can want to help someone... but you cannot make someone change and you cannot solve their problems for them. I think she is looking for someone to do that, and she'll never find it.
We walked away in part because we realized that she wasn't actually interested in getting better. We could have offered support, but we couldn't do the work for her or make her want to do the work.
While a lot of the hurt was caused by her dysfunction, some of it is just the nature of a poly relationship. There were moments where something they did deeply upset me - but they had done nothing wrong. There were things I tried to be okay with or wanted to be okay with... but sometimes those things still hurt me. That comes from me just not really being built for poly. I loved her, and wanted it to work... and perhaps if not for her issues, some of my issues wouldn't have been so severe. I will never know. It's possible that with a partner who was emotionally healthy, it wouldn't have been so hard. The ups and downs of her moods, and when we found out about it, the lying made it hard to not have doubts or fears where she was concerned.
Anyway... I am not at all anti-poly. I firmly believe it wasn't poly that caused it to end. It's not impossible that maybe I wouldn't have been able to handle it at some point had the circumstances been better. I don't think so, but you never know. But even if poly didn't or can't work for me, I believe that it does and can work for some.