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Old 05-25-2010, 08:41 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
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You want advice? Really?

Originally Posted by Acroxander View Post
Well, we talked a lot more last night, and she seems to want to enter this poly situation with me.
Clarification for me, please - she wants to be with you as a partner as you enter a polyamorous relationship while she stays just with you, or she wants to have multiple lovers too? Either are quite legitimate forms of poly, the former being known as "mono/poly" or "poly/mono". It's often more work, but that's my style of relationship.

Originally Posted by Acroxander View Post
Bear in mind that I am in love with this girl. I DO want her around, and I want her to be happy.
Glad to hear that!

One- She seems to be doing this FOR ME, and I told her that that will not work.
Why not? You can't pull something like this out of thin air and expect her to just adopt it like it was her own idea and suddenly want it...

I say this because I feel that if I hadn't told her that I require this or she has to go, then she would never have wanted to do it.
So you laid out a "it's my way or the highway" ultimatum to her, and now, because she agreed to it, you're concerned?

Listen, it's HER choice whether to stay with you - if she agrees that you should have a poly life and doesn't want one of her own, then maybe you could respect that, without questioning her motives?

I feel that she has to want a poly situation for HERSELF as well as for me, otherwise the situation is one of unbalanced compromise, rather than mutual liberation.
Reminds me of the British landing on pacific islands and informing the natives that they were there to liberate them.... whether they wanted to be liberated or not. please don't "save her" or try to force her into something she doesn't want to do.

One of her first (and most unsettling) questions was why she "isn't enough" for me.
That is a very natural and oft-asked question from a monogamous person to a person coming out as poly.

I simply can't think of something as unquantifiable as love in those terms, and couldn't tell her WHY. All I could say was that my heart doesn't work that way. It's more like quantum physics. I need to exist in several eigenstates simultaneously. But the question signaled me that her thinking in those terms may be deleterious to our wellbeing.
This indicates to me that she is thinking using monogamous patterns of thought and paradigms. It is possible that she is poly but just has been conditioned to think like this, but more likely that she truly is monogamous and truly thinks that way. in the same way that you are asking her to understand your way of thinking, you are going to have to understand hers. Then it can be more balanced. Right now it feels to me like you are going to drag her into poly on your terms, and if she doesn't do it the way you want, then you're done.

Two-Part of her ground rules includes not wanting to see or hear about my other dates/partners.
Another fairly common request in a mono/poly configuration.

This may be fine and work well in some couples, but part of my reasoning for wanting poly is that feeling that I can share, be open, hide nothing.
And how important is that aspect to you? Is a deal-breaker, something you really want, or just a nice-to-have. If you can't have that but could have everything else and people would be comfortable, would you still go ahead?

Can I really be expected to keep from speaking about the ones I love, TO the ones I love?
I don't know, can you? that's up to each individual to know - there are no hard-and-fast "rules" for this.

This isn't really congruent with my vision. . . Perhaps what I *really* need is a partner who is more like a Teammate, and is interested in who I'm with and what I do, rather than treating it all as under-rug-swept.
Or rather someone that can deal with you being with someone else, as long as you don't parade it in front of her regularly.

Three- I sense that she will become aggravated with the fact that it is easy (and possible) for me to have a number of lovers. I have always got on well with others, and when I'm single, there are always several people loosely involved with me. It's just how I am. I'm aware that in a partnership,. one must take care not to NEGLECT their primary in favor of other lovers, and I'm prepared to take measures against that, but I suspect she may come to resent my easy way of finding love.
Lots of sensing and suspecting there, and very little in the way of facts that have been discussed. I suggest that you delay these sorts of things until you have got some more ground under your feet.

The long and short of it is: I suspect our motives are mis-matched.
Yes, I would say they may well be, but it's hard to say.

You are thinking a lot about how you want your life to change, but I think you need to give some thought to how much hers will, too.

With a mono/poly setup there are lots of stages - it's hard work, and it may not work - not everyone is cut out to be in it. If you want some free-and-easy go with the flow type of thing that doesn't require work, then it's really not going to be for you.

Please don't expect her to change simply because you are. It sounds like you have been in a monogamous relationship and that you have discovered this really neat thing that really speaks to your very soul... and now you need it to speak to hers too, as if by magic. Poly really isn't for everyone.

Concrete advice, if you are both people who are comfortable with writing things down:
Work out an initial set of things you want to see, and then categorise them in terms of needs (bottom-line things that must be in place), wants (things that you really want to be there, but could give up if necessary), and likes (nice-to-haves).

get her to do the same. Then compare lists.

I have blogged about this "negotiation" process before in more detail - it's at if you are interested.

The place you need to get to is a place where you both feel that you are working together on this, not as adversaries. Part of that is trusting the other person because you know their motivations.

Sorry if some of this came across as harsh - I have just seen this sort of scenario happen too many times, and pussy-footing around doesn't usually work...
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State

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