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Old 05-25-2010, 08:10 PM
Karelia Karelia is offline
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Replies go to my email, so though it seems you've since edited your post, I did read this bit:

An NRE string, is a table or chart of events that is based off of the NRE at the top(or bottom if it's a tree). Don't underestimate the importance of it. IMO, NRE is a really broad term for a complicated bio-social event that has roots in our very evolutionary development. So to be blunt, as you said yourself, He/you THOUGHT she was someone, when she turned out to be different because the idea you made up of who she actually was wasn't real, and was probably formed through the NRE stage...just sayin' :/ again, imo, your use of the word "love" is way to...conventional.

I don't even know what that means. My use of the word love is "to [sic] conventional?" I gather you thought better of this statement, but it was too late because I'd read it.

If my use of the word love is too conventional because my marriage comes first, oh, well. I love my husband in ways that words couldn't possibly do justice. We thought she was someone she wasn't because she LIED - and very convincingly. Not to only us, but also to herself. You can't blame NRE for that. Particularly because once I recognized the mental health issues she had I STILL loved her. I wasn't ready to throw her out, or walk away. I didn't think, oh, damn, she's not the perfect, idealized person I thought she was. I didn't think that because I never saw her that way. I knew she was flawed. I knew she had some issues. I just did not know the scope of them, and that's partly because she doesn't know it herself.

When she first lied and was caught, neither of us magically "fell out" of love with her. We did not abandon her or walk away because she wasn't perfect. We were, however, deeply upset by it because we don't lie to each other. No matter how hard the truth is, we face it. She runs from it. She creates her own truth, and this was a behavior that became a very serious issue in our relationship. Without trust, you have nothing. That's true whether you're in love with one person or four.

I won't deny having experienced NRE. We've all experienced it. I don't really see why it needs to be labeled and dissected, and it exists in mono relationships, too. The beginning of almost all romantic relationships - and sometimes even platonic ones - has that glow of something new and wonderful.

I have been with my husband for eleven and a half years. Over the past four years we've faced major medical issues (including infertility), the death of his father, the loss of our girlfriend and the death of our beloved dog. But when he tells me he loves me, I still feel that glow I did in 1999. When he holds my hand, I still get all mushy inside.

He has seen me at my absolute lowest. We've been through a lot together, and yet it changes nothing where love is concerned. If anything, it brings us closer.

But those early feelings of "new love?" They're never totally gone, and I think it is tragic for anyone that wants to be over that, or who sees it as a negative. The question isn't is NRE bad... the question is can you maintain the best parts of those early feelings over the course of many years. I can and have, as has he. If that's too conventional for you, oh, well. Fortunately for you, we are not in a relationship.

As for "veto powers," the two of them agreed early on that *I* had that. They put me in the reins. Wasn't my choice and wasn't something I asked for, but they felt I needed it. When issues arose, we talked about them. I promised them that if I ever felt I couldn't handle a given situation, they'd know as soon as I did - and I lived up to that promise.

When he realized that he was no longer in love with her, it wasn't just something that happened overnight. She was also not in love with him. He was hurt and betrayed, and she did nothing to try to pull him back. She never tried to reassure him. It was obvious he was acting differently towards her, but she never even attempted a discussion about it. He finally realized that what they had shared had gone away. Maybe for you that means he never really loved her, and she never really loved him. Who knows? He believes he did love her, and so do I. I believe she wanted to love him, thought she loved him and then realized that they were two very different people in how they see the world - and worse, didn't like his perspective. That's not an easy thing to overcome. If it had been just the two of them, I suspect they'd never have gotten that far... but when you added me to the picture, I was a buffer of sorts.

I loved her deeply, and in some ways I will never stop. But I can't have a person with her issues in my life when she refuses to work on them. It became too toxic and too painful. She'd hurt me because she's careless and self-absorbed. It made me want to hurt back. The difference is, I am not careless and I saw my own negative behavior... I didn't always manage to stop it in time, especially as the hurt became more and more frequent, and I didn't like that I was lashing out and hurting her in return. So, I broke off all connections to her.

I worry about her. I know she is behaving in ways that are negative, attention seeking behaviors for her, and it concerns me. But she is 41... and it's up to her to see the problems and to want to fix them. Instead, she is turning blame on us by saying we didn't truly accept her for who she is. We weren't really given the chance, because she becomes whomever she thinks she needs to be depending on the people she is around. We accepted the person she presented to us... and it was only after the breakup that we learned she wasn't at all that person. The lies were just one part of that, and they wound up being a "deal breaker" because we had no trust. To be fair to everyone, breaking up was the only option.

Friendship, as I said, would've been nice... but the moment I stopped talking to her, she reverted to all the old behaviors she swore she didn't want to have, and began the self-abuse she gave up - according to her - not for us, but for herself. Hence the not being able to accept the "real" her because we weren't ever shown the "real" her. I'm not even sure there IS a "real" her at this point.

It's tragic and sad... but if you can still love someone who has lied to you, and if you are willing to help that person work through their issues, you've long past the so-called negative bits of NRE.

I've found it frustrating at times that people who identify themselves as poly seem to blame every failed relationship on NRE... and there's also a bit of a superiority complex. I was always mono, and am now again mono, so I must see love in a way that is too conventional. I'm not saying that is necessarily how you meant it, but I've had flack on this board and others at times, and sometimes I feel a bit like some poly people look down their noses at me, and think that because they've loved more people at one time, they must be better at it than I am.

Well, given that I've had the same man in my life for over eleven years, and that we not only survived our foray into poly, but came out stronger as individuals and as a couple, I'd say I'm pretty damn good at love. I love him more every day... and I know he feels the same way about me.

You are not at all to blame for much of my rant. Like you, I'm feeling somewhat sensitive (for me it's this poly superiority crap I am talking about - and I'm not saying you demonstrated any of that... mostly because I'm not really even sure what you were trying to say in either of your posts).
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