The Shift from Mono to Poly
Well, my last thread had to do with me accepting my new lifestyle and telling my current GF, who was in a mono relationship with me, that I required the freedom to love as I need to love.
Well, we talked a lot more last night, and she seems to want to enter this poly situation with me.
Bear in mind that I am in love with this girl. I DO want her around, and I want her to be happy. So naturally, I asked her a lot of questions about what this kind of a change would mean to her. She responded in kind, wanting to know what I need, the necessary adjustments, etc.
There are a few flags popping up for me.
One- She seems to be doing this FOR ME, and I told her that that will not work. This is the primary concern. I say this because I feel that if I hadn't told her that I require this or she has to go, then she would never have wanted to do it. It seems like an effort to keep me in any capacity she can. I feel that she has to want a poly situation for HERSELF as well as for me, otherwise the situation is one of unbalanced compromise, rather than mutual liberation. One of her first (and most unsettling) questions was why she "isn't enough" for me. I simply can't think of something as unquantifiable as love in those terms, and couldn't tell her WHY. All I could say was that my heart doesn't work that way. It's more like quantum physics. I need to exist in several eigenstates simultaneously. But the question signaled me that her thinking in those terms may be deleterious to our wellbeing.
Two- Part of her ground rules includes not wanting to see or hear about my other dates/partners. This may be fine and work well in some couples, but part of my reasoning for wanting poly is that feeling that I can share, be open, hide nothing. This arrangement smacks of insecurity and jealousy to me, and seems like a flimsy barrier against which the tide will eventually wash over, causing a real problem. Can I really be expected to keep from speaking about the ones I love, TO the ones I love? This isn't really congruent with my vision. . . Perhaps what I *really* need is a partner who is more like a Teammate, and is interested in who I'm with and what I do, rather than treating it all as under-rug-swept.
Three- I sense that she will become aggravated with the fact that it is easy (and possible) for me to have a number of lovers. I have always got on well with others, and when I'm single, there are always several people loosely involved with me. It's just how I am. I'm aware that in a partnership,. one must take care not to NEGLECT their primary in favor of other lovers, and I'm prepared to take measures against that, but I suspect she may come to resent my easy way of finding love.
The long and short of it is: I suspect our motives are mis-matched. I don't really get jealous. Ever. I don't experience insecurity or threatened feelings from other lovers. It's easy for me to embrace and let go, if the situation demands it, for the best. I want to be free to talk openly about things (within reason, of course) and not to tip-toe around in fear of bruising egos or triggering insecurity.
Any advice for me on this one? You're all so wise!
Illegitimus Non Carborundum
Last edited by Acroxander; 05-25-2010 at 05:29 PM.