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Old 05-25-2010, 07:52 AM
inlovewith2 inlovewith2 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 117

Well, our situation falls under the consent area then.

And as for caps, my apologies, but comparing me to a screaming child seems less than productive. Then again, a screaming child is trying to communicate and imnsho, it is the parents' responsibility to at least attempt to understand the child's pov.

And fwiw, I have never done such a thing in any exchange online (years of experience). This warranted it and you won't convince me otherwise. Insult me if you wish, including thinking that I'm just easily offended. Right now, I'd say you are correct; I'm easily offended--I'm severely wounded by people irl.

IOW my defensiveness comes primarily from the fact that I've been pummeled, left and right, for *our* decision to explore a polyamorous relationship and I just don't need any armchair quarterbacking from anonymous people.

Apologies for the tone. Funny though, I haven't heard anyone call him out for how he was out of line and he was; no grey area there.

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
When it comes to cheating and polyamory, there is a lot of grey area.

In a monogamous relationship, any extramarital sex is cheating, whether or not your spouse knows about it, because those are the rules in monogamy.

In an open relationship, any extramarital sex to which your spouse consents is not cheating, because those are the rules of open relationships.

Consent is the operative word, not knowledge.

Consent doesn't mean liking it, being happy about it, or wanting it. It simply means "giving permission."

Knowledge does not imply consent. Just because your spouse knows about it and hasn't left you does not mean they've given you permission to do it.

There seems to be a misunderstanding over the phrase "ok with it." One interpretation is that it means consent, another interpretation is that it means being happy about it.

If ILW2 means that her husband consents but is not happy about it, then I don't believe that's cheating. If she means that her husband does not consent, then I believe it is.

Since her husband has pipped in and said that he's given permission even though he's not happy about it, I don't believe she is currently cheating.

Disclaimer: This next bit is meant as a generalization and may not refer to this particular situation.

I hate it when cheaters think that all they have to do is tell their spouse that they're having sex outside the marriage, and that "makes it ok" because they're "being honest about it."

Being honest is not the same thing as respecting your spouse's wishes. When an armed robber goes into a bank and demands money, they're "being honest" about their intentions, but they're still robbing the bank.

p.s. screaming in caps lock sounds like a child having a temper tantrum and that's not the best image to portray when you're trying to be taken seriously. Sure, it grabs attention... the same way a screaming child in the grocery aisle grabs my attention... and makes me want to walk in the opposite direction!
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