Thread: exploring
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Old 05-25-2010, 12:52 AM
Jluvs Jluvs is offline
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 8
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I thought a lot about what was written here. I have spoken to my husband several times today. To be clear, my husband has always been honest with me, with his feelings. His issue is that he doesn't do anything without me telling him to. He can tell me how he feels. He was taught everything was his fault from the moment he was born. Prior to the last 1 year and a half I would double back after we had a disagreement make sure he wasn't taking it all on. If I don't do this he broods about what a f up he is.

We talked about me putting labels on him. He told me that at the time I mentioned I thought he was submissive, what did he think that it was freeing to him. That he had been embrassed about it and didn't want to admit it.
He felt that it explained a lot of our problems. Number one is that it truly explained our sexual dynamic and took away most of my expectations in that regard. Example, in retrospect why would a man not do as suggested put roses petals on a freaking bed, when he doesn't make a move I don't tell him to. I just wanted one romantic gesture like that in my life.

During our conversations today, we both agreed that we will be togather as husband and wife even if we never have sex again. That we are great togather as long as we don't have unrealistic expectations, such as him being in charge of our sexual play.

I asked him what his ideal was as far as relationships. He told me he would most like to fulfill my needs. However, he knew that wasn't possible. He said he would like a triad or a quad situation.

We talked about me saying he was bicurious. He says he is more bi ambilant.
I have known forever he would like more anal play and he agrees that he finds it very interesting.

I told him recently that I felt that our couples counseling days were over. That it just pisses me off when he won't follow through on what he has committed to. I know it is crazy but the idea of him being submissive has helped me understand my husband just isn't going to do anything that I don't remind him or tell him to do. Part of counseling was to get him to what I perceived as want to do the work. I think what happens is he gets caught up following what I want to do in the moment and forgets it. He was trained to do what was expected by his mother and then he would blow up at her when he grew to resentful. We have worked hard on him expecting me to make all the decisions and then flipping out every once in a while.

I feel that since we have accepted his label as truth it has turned everything around for us. I was able to tell him he just didn't do it for me right now. That I love playing with him for his sake that it just wasn't gonna work for me.
I know it hurt him. I can't fix it for him and honestly I can't try. I need some one to be more of an alpha. The reality is he hasn't been able to want to do it or try to do it in 14 years. I honestly feel that I don't have to achieve sexual satisfaction for us to have a good sexual relationship. I love making him happy and making him feel good. That truly works for me. So I can either take care of myself with toys or I can find a secondary relationship with someone else.

Yes, it would be my ideal to be in a committed triad. However, I do believe that being in a V would allow me to achieve happiness. My husband has always had fantasies of catching me a woman or a man. He made it clear that he would prefer me being with a woman. I don't know if that is something I am up for. I feel more attracted to men.

I do find myself attracted to some D/S. I have tied my husband up and gently tortured him with a feather and some other stuff. It used to piss me off when he wouldn't use his imagination on me. I recently had him read two chapters about a menage where the men were doing anal and then played with him. It was more satisfying for him then it was in a long time.

When he read my first post the only thing he has an issue with is my mentioning that aren't going to therapy and the reason why. He feels guitly about his lack of follow through during his therapy and ours.

I think my husband is more accepting of my looking outside our marriage then I am. I have esteem issues. I have been demeaned my whole life because I am a BBW. (Big Beautiful Woman) My husband is a FA, he adores BBW's.
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