Thanks for the advice, a lot of it has made me think about some things.
YGirl--Thanks for the link, I'm reading it in another page as we speak.
I'm having a hard time dealing with rationality since a lot of the articles and posts written on dealing with emotions say that things don't always have to be rational and that emotions don't have to make sense. I've tried asking T to explain why he feels that each restriction is in place and how that makes him feel and he doesn't explain it in a way that makes sense, nor have the couple of friends I've talked to. In the end I just get upset and frustrated because his emotions are so opposite to mine that I feel like I am never going to understand them, but I need to. He did explain that his leaving the room has to do with him trying to cool off and not get too upset himself, I can't say anything about bringing up old fights. He still does it, I don't know how to get him to stop since his answer is usually: "yeah but it happened and I acted like blank and you acted like blank and now it's coming up again".
In regards to T and the people he sees, I don't mind that he sees them. I get along really well with both of them, I completely ADORE one of them and seeing them together makes me insanely happy. I don't need those restrictions, I asked for some at the beginning but I let go of them several months ago because I realized they were crazy and that I didn't need them to feel secure in my relationship. My only thing for T is that he take a shower between seeing us and practice safe sex. So, some of them come from T wanting equality in rules we had at the very beginning and he hasn't been able to let go of them yet. Sometimes T is feeling better and relaxes the rules, I am seeing J on Thursday and I do not have a time limit as long as I come home. This is new and nice. I think I am going to sit down with T and write out all the rules and we are going to talk about which ones we can start working on. I feel like if I made him follow the same rules that would be a huge step back and totally unnecessary for me.
I also want to say that, no I dont' think very much of this is healthy. It's frustrating and it needs to be fixed or else it's going to end. Having said that, outside of anything to do with poly I have a great time with T. The rest of our relationship is, in my opinion extremely healthy. He is working hard to make me happy, that doesn't excuse this but I just want to make it clear that I am not 100% miserable, if I were I would be gone by now.
Again thanks for the advice and input thus far. If anyone else has things to contribute please do so, this is very helpful.