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Old 05-24-2010, 10:22 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
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You're equating "happiness" with "love" and they're two completely different emotions.

Why pursue love when you're already happy? Because love feels amazing! It feels alive! It feels like being part of something bigger than yourself. The wonderful feeling of love is worth any risk.

Being in love doesn't mean I'm always happy. No one is happy 100% of the time, but I never stop loving my husband even when I'm having the crappiest day, feeling like the whole world is against me. And so even when I'm not happy, it's still a great comfort having someone to love, someone who's there for me and loves me even when I'm being a total downer.

And THAT is the reason to pursue love, whether or not you're happy. But it's mistaken to think that finding love is the same as finding happiness. My step-mother was miserable every day of her life, even though she did love and was loved by her children and her husband. But they couldn't make her happy.

Originally Posted by DharmaBum23 View Post
If you are already making yourself happy, why would you want to date someone else(in a poly or monogamous context)?
To me, the real question is, Why would anyone want to date me if I'm just using them to make myself happy?

It's unkind to the people you date to use them to find happiness if you can't find it by yourself.

It makes it so that your happiness is wholly dependent on them, and any time they make a mistake or do the wrong thing, you "lose your happiness" and then blame them for "making you miserable." That is not loving behaviour.

I've dated people before, who were only in a good mood if I was in a good mood. It's a tremendous burden to be responsible for the happiness of another person.

When I've dated people who used me for their happiness, it drained my energy and left me wondering what's in it for me. Those relationships never lasted long.

Originally Posted by DharmaBum23 View Post
Well, the way I interpreted the response(which may not be the way it was meant) was that whatever happens to someone in dating that it can't really affect one's happiness because happiness is a fundamental state.
I wouldn't say "fundamental" so much as "personal." If something really terrible happens in my relationship, it will definitely affect my happiness. And I will take responsibility for figuring out how to get my happiness back, whether that means changing something in the relationship, changing my attitude about the event, or leaving the relationship altogether.

Look, happiness isn't some magical little bubble where nothing can touch you. Quite the opposite. Happiness is something that requires constant vigilance and determination to sustain. When your life is going good, like you're in a new relationship and exciting things are happening, then it's much easier to sustain that happiness. But we're not just butterflies in the wind, being controlled by whatever happens around us. We have the ability to make changes in our lives and our attitudes about life in such a way that ultimately, we control how we feel.

What I'm saying is that if someone didn't need the NRE, contentment, happy moments(poly or otherwise), and so forth that one can gain from dating, it seems kindof odd that they would risk the extreme pain and heartache that can come with dating. Like crossing a gunfight to get your second cup of coffee.
I don't agree that it's the NRE, contentment, or happy moments that I need from a relationship. What I need, pure and simple, is to share love with other people, which I obviously cannot do by myself. I also need happiness, which I can do by myself.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 05-24-2010 at 10:33 PM.
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