View Single Post
  #7  
Old 05-24-2010, 09:29 PM
jkelly jkelly is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 168
Unhappy Crippling agreements

Quote:
Originally Posted by ksandra View Post
However, as time went by I became very interested in J and things progressed since he was interested too.
That's great!

Quote:
Originally Posted by ksandra View Post
There are still a lot of insecurities and so I have the following restrictions on time I can see J.
That's really not great.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ksandra View Post
These restrictions are driving me crazy.
They should; they're crazy restrictions. Why on earth did you agree to them?

Since you seem to have already agreed to them, that's going to make any conversations around them more difficult for you. They're clearly designed to destroy the relationship with J, or at least make it absurdly awkward to progress. Meanwhile, your position is going to be that since you and J are getting closer, you need less resrictions. Since the entire point of the restrictions was to prevent that, I don't imagine that's going to go smoothly.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ksandra View Post
Every time I try to address them with T he flings back past fights from earlier in our relationship and it turns into a huge fight with him storming out of the room.
This is terrible behaviour. Is T under the impression that he has the relationship skills to be in a relationship at all? If you want to work on this relationship, I think that the place to begin is by asking T if he thinks that relationship and communication skills are important, and then to do a self-evaluation of where he is at with them. Does he think that he's at a place where he can continue to have a relationship with you without further developing them, and does he trust you enough to accept your feedback on that process? There's some really basic stuff that needs to happen here for a healthy relationship.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ksandra View Post
I've been starting to think that maybe I should leave T since it feels like he can't do this.
Yes, this is probably the thing to do. It would be nice to do his (current and) future partners a favour by explaining that he shouldn't be in relationships with people he doesn't trust enough to avoid trying to control their behaviour like that. Unfortunately, he's likely going to think that the relationship ended because you found someone else, which will just reinforce his belief that other relationships are the real threat, instead of his inability to do basic relationship work.

Incidentally, some of the other members seem to be focused on the double-standard issue. Like CielDuMatin and Ariakis, I think that it's totally possible to have completely messed-up relationships where every agreement is perfectly fair and symmetrical, and healthy ones when they aren't. On the other hand, if you notice that you have a tendency to agree to weird relationship agreements, you might in the future use a lack of symmetry as a warning sign for you.
Reply With Quote