My husband and I, have been married for 14 yrs, the last year and a half horrible. We have been working our way thru our issues. One big revalation came when I realized that I had stopped protecting him from our issues. Meaning, when we have a discussion, he takes all the problems on and doesn't except my part of taking responsiblity. He also wants me to control our sex life and our lives. I have asked him to make a romantic gesture for years and he doesn't.
I realized about 2 weeks ago that he is submissive, I also am pretty submissive. I have grown tgo resent him over it. We have tried therapy, but he doesn't do the exercises or homework. Bottomline, he did something very passive aggressive on a business trip toward me. I was very hurt and hung up on him. We talked and talked. I suddenly had clarity that we/he needed to accept that he is submissive and he isn't broken like he always states.
After several conversations he told me he needed to figure out how to be more alpha to me. I told him he needed to be who he is, and he said he couldn't fulfill me that way. I said I agreed. We have always had the promise to each other to never cheat on each other. We made the usual vows and then added no online chat room type stuff without the others permission and no cheating outside the marriage, it had to be with the other person's acceptance. He came back to me and said that he felt that I should go outside our marriage to meet my needs. I told him no at the time.
Tonight after much research and reading, I asked him if he got that I couldn't and wouldn't have anoymous sex and that I would need to have a relationship. He said he would like to believe he is evolved enough to accept it. He is trying really hard to give me what I need. I told him I wasn't pursuing anything right now. That my priority is our marriage and our daughter 11. He keeps asking me about reading the poly board. I asked him to get on here and read it.
I can say that since recogizing that he is submissive and I am as well and addressing some other issues of him computer addiction and my making it clear to him how much I resent having to make every stupid decision there is.
We haven't fought and we have been much happier.
I do feel that one person can't be everything. My ideal of what would happen would that I would meet someone dominant who would be in a triad with my husband and I. I told my husband that and he said that he didn't think that would happen. My husband isn't going to say he is bicurious, but he is. He has done some 3 times with a woman and a man and done acts with the other guy.
I am need to figure out when is the right time to pursue things further and make sure my DH is fully onboard.