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Old 05-23-2010, 05:38 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
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Originally Posted by MyDemonsMyAngels View Post
I have come to accept my boyfriends need to be poly. It is simply who he is. I do however have moments where I get distressed and emotional, is that normal? Does it ever get better.
It most certainly does. It all kind of normalizes after awhile. Like anything in life that changes, this is the same. Change evokes emotions. You are on a different track than before and it just takes a bit to understand how it works and what it means and to feel like it is more routine and normal. I feel wierd when I listen to mono people talk about their relationships and lives now... it comes and it just takes time.

Originally Posted by MyDemonsMyAngels View Post
how does a couple go about setting up boundaries that are fair....and conscious of both parties emotional well being? Any suggestions?
did you do search on here of this topic? It comes up often. It seems the consensus is that you are free to make your own boundaries. There are some that will be changeable and need air to breath... be fluid, there are others that are not going to change, such as having safe sex for example.

Here is a list I found when I did a search.

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
The best complete list of guidelines I can come up with is:
1. Be honest with yourself and with all your partners.
2. Communicate about everything, your feelings and needs and concerns.
3. Safe sex always.
4. Own your emotions and take responsibility for dealing with them.
Basically, boundaries are fair when the two of you can sit back and feel comfortable with them. If there is discomfort then they need more talking and more negotiating. Trust each other to be honest and open about them. That is the only way of knowing that they are fair. If there is even so much as a tear in the fabric of your agreement, it will be pulled and torn open to be a gaping wound if it isn't addressed right away in my experience. Sometimes I talk about things to my constellation/tribe, what ever you want to call it, just to let them know that I have a feeling. Even if it doesn't go anywhere at least there is a pre-talkbefore hand. I talk a lot about "what if's" with them just as a way to determine what they think might happen if. Then I let it go, file it all away, and let it take it's natural course.

Originally Posted by MyDemonsMyAngels View Post
I find it strange that I am okay with this relationship but unwilling to accept #2 even though I want to. At this point him and #2 don't even talk/see one another because it makes me uncomfortable. I wanna be okay with it... but I am finding it rather difficult. Any suggestions? I don't want to accept #3 without #2... #2 is now my friend and I would feel like i was being REALLY REALLY unfair... however I cannot stop my emotions for being what they are..
I think you have every right to feel as you do and not feel guilty at all that you feel better about #3 possibly coming into your life rather than #2. I think I would just say to them that you just plain don't feel comfortable because they disrespected you and that you need to let that take it's course and be really emotionally over before you will feel comfortable again. #3 represents a new start, the more respectful way. A way that hold integrity. To me it's perfectly clear why I would object to #2 and be all about #3.

The fact that he screwed up and let his cock do the talking rather than his head to me would make me want to have some pretty strict boundaries at first in order to gain that trust back. If he is smart he will do as you ask and be humbly willing to wait and go at your pace. That was a pretty bad fuck up, but it can be gotten over in time. I would personally not hesitate on making him own up to it and grovel. But then I am a bit of a task master and have no problem bringing people to task that have harmed me or the ones I love. I am firm, but kind... I think the cheating lesson should be learned really well. So it never happens again. If that means that I bring the reins in on how I feel about my partner dating someone then so be it for them. It's always open for discussion but I would certainly start from there so that I can give a little on those reins in order to be kind.
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