Originally Posted by sage
Intellectually I have no problem with polyamory but the feelings it brings up for me are so intense that I just don't know if i can work through them in the way you describe.
I'm new to this site so I don't know your back ground but your post has made me wonder whether it's just going to be all too hard and maybe I should just cut my losses and find myself a nice mono man. I do love my poly partner very much. I guess my question to you is "what is in it for the mono partner?" It sounds like years of pain and hard work. Of course I love the idea of allowing my partner the freedom to fully experience his love for a secondary but if it is going to cause me pain and hard work for years how loving am I being to myself?
Maturing is hard work. Unfortunately the large majority of people never bother to do it. The prime benefit to you working through the emotions that arise within you when facing polyamory is that you will grow and mature into something closer to "the best version of yourself". This does NOT mean you will become personally polyamorous. You may, you may not. It does mean you will get to know yourself better and that you will be a better partner to ANYONE who you are with-whether they be poly or mono.
Loving doesn't always mean "placating". Loving means to push whatever/whoever you are loving-to be the best version of themself that they can be. For example-a LOVING parent-doesn't give their child everything the child wants-because that isn't going to help the child become the best person that they can be. The Loving parent sometimes lets the child hurt, depending on how obstinate the child-it could be for a LONG time, whatever it takes to help the child learn the necessary lessons for them to become the best version of themself that they can be, to become fully self-responsible, to become fully mature so that they can also be TRULY joyful and happy with themself and their life.
You might consider how you can best "parent" yourself. That would be the most loving thing you could do for yourself.
One of my greatest joys as a parent-is watching my children learn to parent themselves. Seeing them learn to hold themselves accountable to do self-introspection, find their own weaknesses and mistakes and improve upon themselves without being told to.
Originally Posted by KatTails
Ari - this is my experience as well! There are still times, a year into this, when I start to kick and scream and refuse to allow compersion to emerge - but the "ref" in me is getting better at reigning that in before it gets out of control.
LR - I'm taking your "just do it" attitude and running with it. It's working so far! I have also said a few times "fake it till you make."
Compersion cannot exist when there is jealousy, insecurity, resentment, competition or anger. It's taken me a long time - but I'm getting closer and closer. As with everything, there are good days and bad days. I know the bad days will lessen as time goes on.
The compersion I have felt this week for 2rings and MG is in turn making me happy and is helping to squelch any negative emotions that start to pop up.
Kat-another WONDEFUL post by you!
Learning to control yourself from acting on emotions that don't propel your towards the future you want, taking control and responsibility to propel yourself that direction, recognizing what things need to be removed from your heart in order for you to foster compersion and minimize your own pain, and seeing that in practicing this you ARE making yourself happier! WONDERFUL!!
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG
It should be metioned that I have been bleesed by being included in Redpepper's family and sharing in that extended love...but I also think this would be possible even if we were not intimate. She opens her heart and family to any that are loving and genuine
I'm so thankful! Because I really need a family that understands and accepts my ups and downs and is willing to love my genuine self-even when my genuine self is so hurt and emotional that it's not making sense. XOXOXOX to you all!
Originally Posted by DharmaBum23
“Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.”: Mark Twain
I think that the first thing I have noticed about compersion is that it become MUCH more difficult if you don't have what you need.
If you are trying to learn compersion I think it is a good idea to make sure that as many of your needs as possible are satisfied.
If some or most of your needs can't be met, you should be aware that learning or having compersion(though not impossible) will be much harder with ever need that isn't satisfied.
More difficult for CERTAIN.Not impossible for short-term. But certainly not easy and not sustainable in the long term.
I think the hardest thing for me is finding the "middle ground".
If my lover can't fulfil my needs (I don't believe any one person can fulfil all of any other person's needs), then I need to get them fulfilled elsewhere.
BUT if that person is jealous, possessive, insecure... how long do you wait before you step away and get your needs met IN SPITE of it hurting them for you to do so?