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Old 05-21-2010, 06:35 AM
capricorny capricorny is offline
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Sub-ultima Thule
Posts: 65

I really fell this "exercise" can be worthwhile for you, DD123. Even in a mono relationship, the relationship could improve if there is some balance in how outgoing you are etc.

Good question. Ill have to ask her. As for me finding a second, Ive been looking, but every time I get close to someone I start to feel guilty as if Im cheating and maybe I shouldnt be doing what Im doing.
That feeling is perfectly natural, but why not start out looking for friendship, for example? Or maybe even just a sex partner, more like swinging? If it is the emotional component that bothers you most. Talk with your partner about what "cheating" would be in your context. A clear-cut secondary relationship could often be viewed as the opposite of "cheating" in polyamory. As long as you are working based on a "poly platform", as you seem to be, I think it is more "cheating" involved in not doing enough yourself to have your needs being met, than in being a little too eager about it. If you, for example, start spending too much time with others, that is more easily corrected than the trouble arising from you getting too dependent on her.

A tacit, but really impossible, assumption that often seems to be made in mono relationships, is that the well-being of your partner is mostly or entirely your responsibility. Some might even say "that's real love" or some other BS. What they forget, is that a mono relationship is NEVER really mono, there are three relationships involved: Your common relationship, and your relationships to yourselves. By opening up, poly is far less prone to this misunderstanding. My responsibility towards myself is always most important, only when that is in proper place, I can start talking about other responsibilities.

Originally Posted by Breathesgirl View Post
Sometimes the solution to finding something is to stop looking for it . I wasn't looking for either of my boyfriends when they came into the picture yet here we all are .

Why couldn't the three of you go to the goth club together? You could meet S in a place where they're both comfortable and aren't going to be on their guard as much. Plus you might actually have fun.
Good, practical advice, I would say
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