My song... part 3
We flew home being in a state of bliss. We came home to a dark house. We sat around all day reading to each other, obsessed with the writing style of Gabriel García Márquez. As night fell, we lit candles, as it was the weekend and it would take a while before our electricity could be turned back on. Then my wife told me that this other woman was going to drop off our house keys, as she had been taking care of our house while we were gone. We sat out on the back porch, the three of us, talking. I felt like the third wheel and after about an hour or so it dawned on me that this woman wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. So I got up and left them alone. Pretty rude of me really... but I'm sorry to say nowhere near as rude as I would become.
The next weekend they left for their weekend getaway. I hadn't let my feelings about the situation be known at all, but I was feeling very lonely about it. I am leaving out a huge dynamic in this story, a lot of dynamics really, but in the interest of brevity I will leave it all out. But there was a whole other dynamic that was weighing on me terribly. I tried to let it go and not say anything about how I was feeling. I focused on just enjoying my time apart from my wife. Even went to a bluegrass festival. But on the morning they were to return from their trip I composed a long scathing e-mail addressing all of my unspoken emotions. That's what happens when you keep things bottled up. The bottle eventually explodes from the pressure. I really don't recommend doing that.
This led to my wife trying to cut off her emotions for this woman. Feeling like she was being restricted in her love after she had been so up front with me about it. It led to me feeling so very hurt and on top of it feeling like I was doing the one thing I never wanted to do to my wife; to keep her from being as free as humanly possible, to keep her from love. I told her a number of times that she was free to go do what she wanted. But it didn't really matter.
Part of the situation was that this other woman was a lesbian and I felt like I had no place in their relationship. This was an important part to my wife as well, I've now come to understand. She wanted both of us, together, not individually. I didn't understand that then. Another part of the situation was that I felt it had taken away something from between my wife and I. Time for one thing.
Well, my wife stayed friends with this woman, and this woman suffered in her deep love for my wife, while my wife maintained a professional and friendly relationship with her. I resented this woman. I was angry that she couldn't have waited until after our honeymoon to talk to my wife. I was angry at the sound of her name, her mere presence. It made me physically ill. But I really liked her, I understood her. I understood why she would love my wife the way she did. We had so many shared life paths and she was also coming out of a very long miserable marriage to a man she married when extremely young, before she had found her lesbian identity. And after a while, I decided to just take that energy and turn it around. I decided that I was going to just open up and be friends with her... a friendship I always knew was possible because she was really really truly a beautiful spirit. A strange thing happened then.
We did become close. She had a dream that she was bit by a snake and I was the one that was there for her. I soothed her with my music in her dream. We talked more and more and I became completely at ease with her. I had turned all that negative energy completely around.