Yes! Who knew I had such a horror show of insecurity and baseless resentment festering inside. I guess it's always when we get cocky about our ability to be self-secure, reasonable, compassionate, loving, and generally mature, that we pull a "you're going to LEAVE ME for this douche aren't you?!!! Why, why, why? Don't do it you evil thankless self-centered bitch!" Perhaps not in those words, but in all honesty, it was probably uglier
The tragedy is that I could sit there watching myself behaving in this manner. That part of me was quietly shaking his head whispering "I don't know this guy, he just showed up." lol.
A bout of jealousy of such magnificent proportions causes me to stop and examine "just what the hell is THAT all about?"
It turns out I'm very insecure. Just when you thought the neuroses of youth and the battle scars of puberty have left you a wiser person, you find they've pulled a fast one on you and they're still just pulling you around on strings of ignorance and fear. And then the guilt comes: "I'm not being very compassionate, not to mention being a jerk hypocrite; I'm sooo baaad
" and all that jazz.
Then the tough one: why am I poly in the first place? Is it worth the hassle. All this constant communication, owning up to and dealing with your issues, etc. Am I just hoping to get laid more (me? No way! ...right?), maybe because the girls didn't find my physique and wit panty-wettingly wonderful in high school? Fear of getting "trapped", "stagnating", bored?
In the end, I examined the last few flings I'd had and discovered I was just becoming very insecure when she would go out with other people. Feeling left out. Also, she's much better at landing dates and getting to know people than I am. It just opened up a very old complex of feeling socially awkward and inadequate, non-desirable, and just sort of dumb.
I suppose it's always hard swallowing that you're not the cat's meow, nor any of your barely conscious ideals of all that is awesomeness in a person.
I still feel jealous. I still feel let down that girls aren't banging down my door for a slice of the great whirling pie. You can laugh, it's silly. I laugh now that I'm looking at the underlying thoughts, not freaking out and projecting the issue onto our relationship. She's great, that's why I hang out with her. It's like I felt we were in some lame competition for a little bit. "what you have a date? a great blossoming relationship? why don't I have one? what's wrong with me? i need to go find someone now!" Then I end up on a dumb date and sleep with someone I don't even like. What a low moment.
For now we're just taking things slow. We both have bipolar disorder. I was in an episode, which blew things off into the crazy-sphere, but through looking at my own silly old issues I can start getting past those reactions and being more genuine and less hypocritical.
Just a little rant for catharsis and movement toward clarity.
With some words of the buddha to bring it back together a bit
Daily Dhamma: It is easy to see the flaws of others, hard to see one's own.
... Far from removal and constantly growing are the blemishes of the man who clearly sees and points out the faults of others, but is ever resistant to corrections in himself.
- Dhammapada 18: 18-19