Thank Sum, I'm still pretty giddy over things.
But I have really had my eyes opened in the last 3wks. I'm remembering why I closed everything up in the first place. When I first got really sick, I was so afraid he'd get sick of me that he'd leave. So I tried to reign him in as tightly as could. Probably the biggest mistake made.
I've figured out that I couldn't understand where he was coming from because I forgot what it was like to have those feelings. I had shut everything off b/c I was so afraid I would be the one to cheat. In the process of my illness and shutting everything down, I pretty much became a shell of who I was. I forgot how to live. How to be happy.
For years I've been trying to get part of my old self back and couldn't figure out how. Now I know why I kept failing. Finding my sexuality has brought back other parts of me as well. It's all been so amazing.
My husband is spending time with his girlfriend tonight b/c we are leaving for vacation tomorrow. At first I was grumpy that he wanted to spend time alone with her, but I reminded myself of all the time he and I have had together in the last weeks and decided to let him do what he wanted. And he's now decided to come home with her and cook us both dinner.
I still have glimmers of trust issues. I was partialy afraid they would find somewhere to have sex tonight. We currently have a no sex rule until we fix us. I don't see it needing to last for a very long time, just long enough to make sure he and I are back where we need to be. But I don't think he will. I think he knows it'll happen soon enough and if he screws up again I'm gone. Without trust we have nothing. As much as our love has held us together, without trust, we'll never be happy.
I feel like I am reawakening. Like I am emerging from a cacoon.