Originally Posted by DD123
I get poly on a mental level but im still trying to grasp it emotionally. Ive read the ethical slut and everything on xeromag.
My friend said that maybe I feel more threatened by S because I havent met her. I dont know if I want to meet her, cuz isnt ignorance bliss?
Back to my title: I want to be special! If Im not the only one shes sleeping with, I dont feel special.
Sorry but I have to say this: I get the compersion thing but I kinda feel like its BS. Yes I can be happy that shes happy, but I cant JUST be happy cuz shes happy, I want my cake and eat it too. I need to be happy too and if Im just happy for her i think thats some kind of codependency thing going on.
Is it OK for you if I say that what you write to me indicates you are not that much poly, even mentally?
I believe for most "mentally poly" people, ignorance isn't bliss at all. To the contrary, and when we choose to be ignorant, it's often just because we don't have the capacity to relate to everything passing by.
If your notion of being special is tied to you being the only one she sleeps with - do you think that notion will be very fruitful, relationship-wise? That's not safe to go for, even in mono relationships, I think. Well, you might get that physical monogamy, then, but spiritually, she might be just anywhere. One of the good things with polyamory, as I see it, is that sexuality gets downgraded as "status/proof of relationship symbol", and upgraded in most other respects.
I don't know if I think you have really "got" that compersion thing. I think you are right in that, if you're only happy because she is happy, there may be a codependency thing going on. BUT - is it much compersion in it then? I would rather say "no". Because in "real" compersion, at least in my world, there is quite a bit of cake for you, too. So, at least as a rule of thumb: No cake, no compersion.
I think there is a real need for uniqueness in most relationships, but that's something you have to find and develop together with each partner. You could simply ask her: "Let's think about us marketing our relationship. What's the Unique Selling Property of it?" If you can't really think of any good candidates, maybe it's time to rethink the whole business?
From your presentation, it may well be that you are more into catering for her needs and feelings than she is for yours. But maybe you are both rather inept at it? And whatever way you got there, what's the best strategy for change?