Originally Posted by Danny40179
Definitely a bit different, but my wife and I realized we were poly by first having 3somes. At the start there were ALL sorts of rules that she had. As time passed and she saw that I was respecting those rules, she started removing a few. By talking and sorting through our feelings, TOGETHER, we came to learn that we were indeed poly and started exploring this lifestyle. Before you know it, all rules were gone and we were able to invite our first gf to move in with us!!
I think this is a great point. Rules can be a useful "springboard" to help deal with discomfort in the early stages. They also act as a good test on whether or not your partner is trustworthy enough to go down the polyamory road. i.e., if he can't even do the right thing when he explicitly knows what you expect, how can you expect him to do the right thing when left to his own devices?
Ideally, once everyone proves that they're sincere, honest and trustworthy, rules should become redundant, as in Danny's case.
In my opinion, by continually breaking the rules, the OP's husband has proven that he is untrustworthy and insincere. Even last night's initial omission of what happen is evidence to that. He doesn't seem to be learning and improving.
What you choose to do with that information, Searching, is of course entirely up to you. Your questions to your husband are completely reasonable. The cornerstones of polyamory are honesty and communication, and you have the right to be communicated with. If for whatever reason your husband is uncomfortable telling you what happened with another partner (generalities, not details), that to me is a bad sign.