Yeah, I'm with Redpepper on this. I'm happy in and of myself, and I do things that make me happy. I also get a warm tingle when I know my GF is doing things that make her happy, including things with her husband or others. It has nothing to do with depending on someone else to make me happy.
My GF's husband is the most special man in her life, and he approves of her taking other lovers. (She has done the same for him.) It doesn't decrease his specialness to her, it increases it. He is the center of her life and he is the one who has said, in effect, "You need a lot of love in your life and I want you to find the lovers, male and female, that you need."
It takes a very, very special man to do that. She recognizes that and appreciates and loves him more for it. This is what I notice: I cannot imagine L without D. Or, rather, when I do imagine her without him I see her as always saddened, diminished, living in shadow. That's how important they are to each other.
Now, the fact is that for monogamous couples the sense of specialness is often linked to exclusivity -- exclusive sexual activity, exclusive emotional connection, or both.
If you're monogamous and you don't want to change, then live it.
If you're poly or need to accept poly, then address the issues. For many of us the feeling of specialness does not have to be linked to exclusivity. It is a separate thing that we get from our lover's unique feeling for us regardless of the feelings they have for other people.
Last edited by EugenePoet; 05-19-2010 at 12:06 PM.