Idealist Poly Blog Part 21- Letter to John
I had a great weekend with Richard. We went out of town on Saturday, had dinner and went to a music concert Saturday evening. The rain was so bad on Sunday that we returned home earlier than planned. I dropped him off at his house and as soon as I got home, the sun came out. I called him and said I was a bit disappointed that we didnít have more time together, but he was enjoying his afternoon, so I felt better.
I realized that I was still upset about John. I have still not talked to him, but I sent him an e-mail.
This is what I wrote and I still havenít gotten a reply.
There are a few things I want to say to you....things I want you to know.....
First of all, I don't know why I was so shut down emotionally last year, but it didn't necessarily have anything to do with you, although it did affect you and how I related to you. I realize it now (looking back) that I was unemotional and I understand that you were trying to talk to me about it, but I just didn't want to deal with it because I didn't want to feel anything at the time. It wasn't fair to you. Of course, you deserve to be taken seriously and have your concerns addressed.
It was a surprise for me to realize recently (after we started seeing each other again this year) that I did fall in love with you again. You were right about what you saw going on with me. I was in love with you and I am in love with you. I just wanted to make that point clear. I was not trying to deny that the other night.
What I don't understand is why we can't love one another and enjoy each other's company occasionally without trying to put the relationship in a box.
The first time we dated, I was the one looking towards the future and trying to figure out where we would be- and you kept saying- I can't plan for a month from now much less a year from now. I think that statement is still true.
Now- you are working out of state. If you and I were in an exclusive monogamous relationship again, how fair is that to either of us? The logistics make it impractical.
Not only that, but I am in a phase of my life where I don't want to be in a monogamous relationship. All of my relationships have been monogamous until now, and I'm trying something different for a while.
In the last 11 years, I have only been sexual with 6 guys (including you). I have probably been on about 30 to 50 first dates within this period of time but in most cases, never even had a second date.
After we broke up last year is when I decided to live a more open lifestyle. Something happened within me and my heart finally opened up. I decided to allow myself to love as many people as I am able to love.
You expressed your feelings about my bisexual tendencies and I understand your concerns and I respect your boundaries on that. I still need to figure out some things about my sexuality and how I will express it. But I'm not confused about my ability to love.
There may be a time in my life where I would decide to pursue a monogamous relationship, but now is not that time. I believe that my happiness and the place I am in emotionally is because I have allowed myself to open myself up and Iíve decided that there are other very valid types of relationships that are loving that are not monogamous as long as they are based on honesty, respect and trust.
Being emotionally open has its drawbacks. I cried off and on all day on Sunday (the day after we went out to eat) I was ashamed of having hurt you last year and suddenly feeling really bad about it.....delayed, I know, but at least I am feeling now. I was and am also very sad about having seemingly lost you again....after getting close to you again.
I hope that by staying open, my heart will stay open and I will be more thoughtful and sensitive. I never wanted to mislead you in any way.
My perspective of me and you as a couple is this: Our temperaments are opposite in some ways. I am internally wired and I introspect about everything. It is normal for me and I tend to be more compatible with others who introspect a lot. For the most part, I am not able to introspect with you because you aren't interested in it, so although you don't realize it; when we are together, I am having to stifle a big part of myself and the way I process things. I can't truly be myself. But, on the other hand, we do share some interests and when we are doing something fun together that we both enjoy, somehow we meet in the middle and a natural compatibility happens.
The other thing that also comes up for me is the fact that life is so short and although I have probably been on 50 first dates in the last 10 years, I very rarely meet people I want to spend time with. Sexually, there has never been anyone that I have wanted to be with as much as you either. Those things are the things that draw me to you and why I keep trying to have some sort of relationship with you. I do still want to have a relationship with you, but only if we can figure something out that works for both of us.
So, yes, it is true that I was happy to be with you and spend time with you. And that I love you and care deeply for you. I know you have opened yourself up to me many times and I appreciate that. I'm sad about the thought of not seeing you anymore, but I understand if you do not want to see me.
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.