Originally Posted by redpepper
Why thank you.
Actually I think its not so much a *disease* or *illness* as such but a *virus*. Because it was picked up from somewhere rather than having been manifested from within. Somewhere along the line one decides they are in some way not good enough. That is taught, it doesn't just happen. We aren't born to think that, it becomes ones take on themselves. Yes, *comparison virus* I think is the best description yet.
I would have to agree that your description is the best one yet... because comparing yourself to another is definitely something that is picked up along the way during ones life. For me- like many females- I have Dad issues... the desperate need of love and affection from a male because as a child and young adult I never got it from my father. Truth be told... I have no idea how to UN TEACH myself of the nasty negative behavior....any thoughts...
Originally Posted by SunLover
Interesting, I am in the opposite position - that of secondary, struggling to figure out where I stand with his primary. There are times when I can tell him being with me makes her feel awful and that, in turn, makes me feel awful/guilty and both of us feeling awful/guilty makes him feel awful, which adds to the awful. It's an awful cycle of awful! There is no magic way to feel better about the situation - as others have mentioned, it takes a lot of work, but if there is love and respect on all sides it is doable.
I think it is important to acknowledge that everyoneneeds to feel loved, desired and "safe" in their relationship. You are obviously very, very important to him and how you feel matters! If I have learned anything (being a new poly) it is that communication is key. Don't pretend it is okay if it isn't - express how you feel! I really hope you can work through your emotions and find joy in your relationship. Send me a message if you ever want to chat!
Thank you for your interest in my post. It is always nice to get to see the other sides point of view. And you are absolutely right... it is an awful cycle of awful.... how to break the cycle... who knows...
That being said... I have another thought in my mid...
I have been going through many many different portals of the forum and reading so many different posts and responses. And a part of me cannot help but get a little angered. 1. I feel like by me trying to come to terms with all of these feelings for the sake of my partners happiness is a wonderful and beautiful loving thing.... but I am doing it for someone else's happiness. I do in-fact want to be able to come to terms with the Poly lifestyle and not be hurt by it. I get upset because I feel like I'm the one doing all the emotional hard work for the sake of the relationship...make sense? Like I am changing myself and how I look at things for him...because "its how he is" shouldnt it be the same the other way around... why cant he he do what I am doing for him.. but for me... make sense??? It is frustrating... I feel like i am catering to his needs and no so much of my own....hummm....