Originally Posted by StitchwitchD
Do you want to be an equal partner, or do you want to act like his parole officer?
What I want is honesty, support, understanding and respect. I want someone that I can share my life and this exploration with that with be upfront and open with me about what is happening in his (and consequently my life). Moving into this, as I am sure most all of you know is not easy, and while the logical mind can look at it and see all the amazing potential the emotional mind can sometimes drag its feet and even full out refuse to move at times.
I don't think I am asking for too much with my guidelines and feel that as I grow to understand my emotions and process them that some of them may even fall away, but I went into this really looking at what I need for now and was quite upfront about it all. I asked to know before hand when something was happening or he was approaching someone about the possibility of a relationship. I asked to be told what happened, not details but generalities...we talked, we kissed, we played. I asked that I meet the person before thing become sexual (not saying I have to be their friend or have the same form of relationship) just meet them so I can get a feel for them and know that they understand what they are getting into and are open and honest with others they might be with. (being friends would just be a bonus) I asked to know when things became sexual....because....well because for right now I need to know because this is a hard part for me and I want to deal with the emotions it brings up and be able to ask for the reassurances that I need. The last was not to have other partners in our bed.
He on the other hand said he requires no guidelines but feels that if I felt the need to place some, he thinks that I must follow those same "rules" with him. I really have no problem doing that though I was surprised by his tit for tat attitude. In the end though he decided that he doesn't want to follow that anymore. He wants to know in general if I am dating someone and when it becomes sexual only. Other then that he doesn't want to meet, hear or talk about my other relationships. (this was unfortunate as I was hoping he could help me process some of the emotions that have come up with this aspect as well, such a guilt and fear).
I don't feel like I am policing him but I do feel like he is tries to cover up...though when asked a direct question he'll answer. Example...tonight when he got home from having coffee at the other woman's house.
me: so what happened tonight.
him: nothing really, we talked, joked around, had coffee...that is pretty much it.
me: I dislike when you say things like "pretty much it". That makes me feel like you are omitting something.
me: did you kiss her and touch her?
him: well yeah.......we did make out....but it was really nothing.
And no, obviously the conversation didn't end there and I am really proud that I didn't lose my temper or let my emotions override my verbal skills. I will admit that I can get verbally aggressive when I feel emotional and he feels "attacked" so I am working hard to rein that in without feeling like I am being a doormat and not letting him know how I feel.