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Old 05-18-2010, 07:09 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,400

It's all fine and dandy for everyone to sit in their privileged lives and say "you need to get divorced" ... when they're not the ones who will be out on the street, with no health care, scrounging for a roof over their head, struggling to make ends meet.

I'm actually going to take a completely different side from everyone else.

It sounds like "the romantic and loving version" of your marriage is over. But if you and your husband still have friendship, if you still enjoy each other's company, you enjoy sharing household responsibilities but just don't have sexual feelings for one another anymore, then what right does anyone else have to dictate how your marriage is allowed to look?

As I see it, the issue is that you need love, romance, and sex, and perhaps your husband does not. It sounds to me that you've made every effort to make your marriage work, and that your husband has just dug in his heals and given up.

I've heard about couples who "grew apart" as lovers but were still close as friends and were happy living together as room mates. In the US, marriage is a very beneficial social arrangement.

Originally Posted by cori View Post
i dont see how my new relationship is cheating as I am open about what is going on AND the intimate and emotional relationship with my husband ended a long time ago.
If I walk in to a store and say "I'm going to take this candy bar without paying for it" and the clerk says "no, you're not allowed" and then I do it anyway, would you agree that's called stealing?

If you're having sex with someone outside your marriage and your husband does not consent, then that's commonly referred to as cheating. Regardless of how you felt about your marriage not satisfying your needs, it's unrealistic to expect your husband to just be ok with the thought of his wife in another man's arms.

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I suggest you also find a good lawyer and that he does too and work on your separation. There is no good reason to stay it seems and I'm sorry, finances are not a good enough reason just as kids aren't. It may take time, but it is possible.
RedPepper, we need to remember that we are SO LUCKY to live in Canada, where at the bare minimum, you always know that if you get really sick and need to be hospitalized, your government will take care of that. But if this woman had given up her career to raise children and were relying on her husband's health benefits for her $1,500 per month medical treatment, then divorce could literally mean her death. We have no idea what her situation is, so it's over-simplistic to say "finances are not a good enough reason."

Things can be so much more complex than just "both of you are not happy, the only recourse is divorce." If it were simply a matter of "I wouldn't be able to go on my cruises if we got divorced" then you would have a point. But in the States, their government has made marriage into so much more than a simple institution. Losing your marriage can have beyond-drastic consequences, to the point of some people paying 50% of their salary to each of 3 women... now how are you supposed to make $150,000 alimony payments on a $100,000 salary?
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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