I have a lot going on inside myself right now and it's a combination of things that I have felt before. However this is the first time that I have felt them as deeply as I do now. My girlfriend of two years came out to me as Poly. Obviously, being someone who has maintained monogamy all my short life, I was not okay with it.
To start, she told me a few months ago that she was interested in exploring, and brought up that she had mentioned the need for both of us to be ďfreeĒ when we first started dating. At the time, I didn't understand what she had been saying, and Iím pretty sure she didnít either. When she finally gave me the ultimatum it was hard for me. She expressed that she loves me and that she wants to be with me. She also said that she can't go on being mono anymore, and had to experience different people. She is firm that she still wants to be with me as a primary. We live together, and we have built a life with each other.
This has all registered on a cognitive level, and if I didn't think there was something to this, then we'd both be packing up our things. I love her with everything I am, and I want her to be happy.
I've soaked up every online resource there is on polyamory. Xeromag, this site, Wikipedia ,and ect. I understand all the arguments, many of the different approaches, and Iíve read just about every approach to dealing with jealousy could find. I was looking for an easy way and as all of you could guess, I couldn't find one.
Despite all my gfís arguments and all the arguments by poly folks online, my emotions have not been as successful as my logic. My gf expressed to me that she is sexually attracted to a guy and that he asked her out on a date. She had said plainly she wanted to have sex with him but would take it slow for me. We talked about it again a week later and she said she wanted to explore a casual relationship with this guy; but not necessarily an emotional relationship. I indirectly called her a whore and pretty much ruined any hope for rational conversation. He got freaked out when he realized that this was an attempt at a poly relationship and never got back to her. She is also getting close to a girl who is going through a sex change to become a woman physically. She expressed not being as sexually attracted to this person. I have already ruined a conversation between her and this girl by getting jealous of her chatting with this person online. The girl has expressed wanting to have sex with my gf, has asked her out on a date, to which my gf has said yes. I have not been introduced to anyone she has accepted a date from. She asks me if itís okay after she says ďyesĒ.
I love her and I am glad sheís so open with me about her feelings. However, every time sheís honest about this it hits me like a blunt force and liquefies my insides. I feel like sheís not patient enough and has, of late, become unwilling to talk about it. She says she wants to be with me but that she canít handle hurting me. She asks for my boundaries and I donít know what to say. I feel like it all hurts. I donít understand why she would want to share something with someone else that has been so exclusive to our relationship. Sex, emotion, time, love, and all the intimate affections of a cared lover; it all just blows me away. Therefore I donít know what my boundaries are. If youíre going to get wet you might as well swim and I donít see any part of the process hurting any less than the other. Iím not against intimate friendships at all, I really do need my time alone (not these days though), and I am welcome to her bringing all types of people in our lives. But this isnít what Iíd had in mind. I feel like when she has sex with someone or falls in love with someone that Iím going to close up and destroy our relationship. I really donít want to do that. We are compatible in so many ways. There are so many things we can compromise on. But this is a bomb. It makes me feel like Iím not good enough.
I can relate to her in a way; a couple of times in my dating experience Iíve felt like I could have dated many people at once. I had one situation where three girls, who were all friends, had real heavy crushes on me. I was certainly attracted to all of them on a physical and emotional level. I had to choose one and act like the others didnít matter as much when they certainly did. I got something different from all of them. The only thing that wasnít shared was physical intimacy. My relationships with all three have affected my life, and my sense of ďwhat ifĒ. One time I really had something for my friendís gf and she for me. I have known this friend all my life and I told him how I felt. I told him I would stay away from her if itís what he wanted. I love him and I cared about the girl so much. He told me he trusted me and that it didnít matter anyway; he knew I wouldnít do anything to hurt him. I would have been fine sharing that girl, which I cared for, with one of my best friends.
I understand the logic. I see the advantage. I still donít get how? I donít get how to stop the pain. I feel hopeless. There was a post where people were describing their transition as being ďDragged in kicking and screamingĒ . I know what they mean. I need help from people who have been through this. I thank you all for taking the time to read this angst and Iím sure you see it all the time. Iím also sure everyone says that.