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Old 05-17-2010, 07:40 PM
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Thank-you everyone for your words and encouragement. I was starting to wonder if I was being completely unreasonable asking to know things up front. I know if it hard to give advice when things are one sided, and this is my perception of how things are. Some of our friends have talked to my spouse and he sees it all very differently.
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Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
Why does he believe it would be worse if he was up front all the time. I don't understand this, as it would remove your doubts etc. Has he tried to be up front with you and it didn't work?
To be honest, there have been 2 times when I have said no. When poly was brought back up after we were married and I was given the ultimatum of poly lifestyle or mono with little to no sex life we separated for several months. I felt pushed in the poly direction and like he had trapped me in some way. At that time I still didn't really understand the thoughts behind it and had issues with the thought of "loving" someone else and that it could take away from my relationship. It was at this point that I did a lot of reflection and realized that I already loved a lot of people in my life (my friends, my ex's, I have stayed friends with almost everyone that I have had a significant relationship with)....and that didn't take away from my current situation. Would adding a more physical intimate element to that really change anything? I decided that it wouldn't. I knew there would be emotional issues and jealousy to deal with, but I wanted to try, I thought that the benefits would certainly outweigh the work needed.

So I approached M (hubby) about it, as we had remained in contact trying to work on a friendship. He was cautious but willing to try but he had someone waiting in the wings at the time. I told him that I wanted to work on things but could not do so with someone waiting on the sidelines for me to be ready as it added to much pressure. He felt that I just wanted him to prove he would chose me over someone else. I stand by myself still though and really feel that I knew myself well enough to know that I needed just he and I to focus on the adjustments and trust that needed to form.

The second "no" came with his next attempt at a relationship, (The woman he met online and was secretive about) and it wasn't even a "no" but a slow down request. There relationship ended after a few weeks because of the family emergency (i won't really go into this, but to say it was life or death and lead to me being away from home for 3 months at the hospital) It shocked me that he still wanted to go back to be with this person (who he had met 2 weeks prior) instead of being at the hospital with his family. He was very upfront about why he was going home for the weekend, and though I was upset and had to process that I did not freak out about it or feel the need to talk it to death. In the end though, I was very overloaded with everything that was going on. As this was not really an established relationship yet I asked him to tell her that he was still interested but that he had to focus on the situation at hand and while he could call or message he would be unable to come for visits. He got all morose and depressed, argued why he didn't see why it should be a problem and that he didn't want to hurt her. I said that she was aware or the situation and was more concerned for us then anything else and she would understand. But instead of just slowing things down and explaining why, he broke up with her saying that I was having issues and couldn't deal with it.

I am so tired of everything being my fault. I am afraid that the experience I am now having with taint my epiphany from earlier this year about already having multiple loves and wanting to share more and deeper with them.
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